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I saw an earlier discussion that I would like to revisit again because it really is affecting me big time: No sex in our marriage. Over 10 years of marriage and I'm only limited to once a month. My drives and urges are fierce. I've have had frank talks with my wife about this and even asked her for "hand jobs" if she wasn't in the mood, which she has ageed to on occasion. As of now, nothing is happening, and my biggest temptation, day and night, is just to relieve myself. Is this wrong? Am I making provision for the flesh? I've read all the articles--I've heard all the messages for those who dare to approach the subject, and am torn between justifiying what I think is an occasional need or just giving in to the flesh. I am not into porn & very careful w/what I watch on TV & the internet. I'm not even tempted to be unfaithful. I just need release and the only way I see this happening, at least for the time being is to releive myself. I do not want to violate scripture or deal with guilt afterwards. Amazingly enough, although daily tempted to self relief, I've only given only a few times this year. This very difficult for me to talk about. Men simply do not talk about these real life issues and I really need help. I am a Christian who wants to do the right thing. What's a guy to do?

Blue,

Sadly your dilemma is not an isolated issue. I am not by any means an expert on marriage as my wife would tell you but I have read some and can speak from personal experience as well. While I wouldn't deny the possibility that there is some physical issue that is causing your wife to withdraw from intimacy I would imagine that it is probably emotional/psychological. It could very easily be that for some reason your wife is not feeling loved in your relationship even if you are doing things that you think will cause her to feel love. Are you familiar with Gary Chapmans "Five Love Languages"? It could be that the two of you are speaking two different love languages. It sounds like physical touch is very important to you and when she gives you intimacy and physical touch/affection, you feel loved. It may be that she needs love communicated in a different way. If you haven't read the book then I would suggest reading it to start.

i would second what dcurtis said. the love language book was very enlightening (and helpful) for my wife and i.

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in Christ,

bp

There is also the matter of obedience to Scripture.

1 Corinthians 7:3-6 3 A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife. 5 Do not deprive each other, except by mutual agreement for a specified time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then resume your relationship, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. Context (NET)

There may indeed be a physical problem - and a conference with a physician may be in order, but there is also a spiritual problem- she is disobedient to the Word of God. I do not mean that you should use the Bible as a hammer for she is hurting or confused in some matter, but rather that you should ask her to deal with this as a spiritual problem. Please ask her to speak with a mature Christian lady - or get counseling from your pastor and his wife.

John

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"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Gal 5:6b

Pastor John C. Blackburn

I agree with Pastor John on getting some outside counseling. I would be very careful about making her feel that the problem is entirely hers. In my experience problems in a marriage are never a one way street. You have to be willing to own your part of the problem if you want to create a solution.

D Curtis35:

Thank you for your post. The Lord has been dealing with me all day since my initial posting this morning, which was the accumulation of many many months of frustration and disappointment. It has been difficult for me to get past the point that as a married Christian man I'm having to deal with this type of issue, which, I realize now is multi-faceted.

I have not verbally blamed my wife for our present situation, although, since I have been limited to once a month at her initiation, I have not been very resentful towards her as a result of it. No doubt she has probably picked up on that as well. All day today I have been listening to Jeff Miller's audio series concerning male sexuality, which was one of the topics, and I realize now that I have not been the husband that I needed to be. I have been wrong about my feelings, wanting to justify them, and know that I can do some things on my part to make things better. Whether the end result leads to physical intimacy or not is no longer the issue. I was just tired of struggling and ready to give up. Still am but there's always hope.

I appreciate your reminder that I am not the only one with this problem and it has not always been this way. I never thought I would be dealing with these type of concerns. Although married with kids, we have grown and I need to continue to study her and get to know her all over again amongst other things.

I do have Gary Chapman's book, the 5 Love Languages that was referenced in the audio series. I agree with you that it would be helpful if I started reading it. I started reading it several years ago and never finished. You're right, physical touch is important to me and when denied I feel shut out and resentful. I know this isn't always the case and I need the Lord to help me in this area of my life. Over 10 years of marriage and can only guess at 1 or 2 love languages that may be hers. Shame on me. I have a lot to learn.

Thanks so much for your concern, your suggestions and for taking time to respond. Out of all the people who viewed my post, you were one of a few who took time to offer heartfelt and wise counsel.

Pastor John:

Thank you for your reply and the scripture you referenced. I thought about that today as well. I do plan to share this scripture with my wife, but as you wisely advised, not beat her up with it. I have not been to her what she needs in a husband which has probably led to our present situation. I too have to take some of the blame.

We do not regularly discuss intimate issues and although married for years, it's still awkward for us. But needful. We definitely enjoy our times together--they're just few and far between. She really is a great mom and truly loves the Lord. I am blessed. Frustrated, yes. But blessed, nevertheless. From my perspective, this is a "down" time for us and I now realize there is some rebuilding that needs to be done and I need to take the initiative and be proactive, which are not my best characteristics. Perhaps the scripture from 1 Corinthians 7 and a more thoughtful conversation on my part in sharing my struggling in this area will give some extra insight to her. Whatever the outcome, I'm still resolved to make some changes for the better where I know I can do so.

I know her prescription can cause her to be drowsy at night but we'll have to find a way to work around that. Thanks for your response and counsel.

i hope you dont mind a woman replying to your question, but as a wife myself for 15 years i may be able to shed light on how your wife is feeling.
i have withdrawn sex from my husband many times in our marriage, and always because i have felt unloved, hurt or dismissed by him. if this is a long term problem, go back to when it started, ask your wife what went wrong. i need to feel conected to my husband heart to heart to have really good sex, and when this is missing, it can leave me hurt and angry, making the problem worse. i strongly suspect this is a symptom of a different problem. i know it has been an easy way for me to hurt my husband, and not the best way to get his attention. your wife needs you to put her first, when she feels you are putting her needs which are likely to be emotional (although it could be that she needs more phyical help from you too, raising a fimaly is exhasting!) then she will respond to you. you will get through this, because you have sought the lord, let him guide you into a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with himself, and your wife. the sex follows!

p.s
mind the log in your eye when quoting scipture to your wife!

Barpadre:

Thanks for your response concerning how Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages has helped you and your wife. I greatly appreciate the encouragement and giving me further confirmation that this is one of the things I need to do in our rebuilding process. I have a lot to learn and part of the process is dying to self, re-learning my wife all over again while ensuring I am the husband she needs to be.

Understanding her love languages as well as her understanding of mine (not that mine are priority or more important), I'm sure will be a tremendous help. I realize this is a two-way street, whereas before, I was being resentful because I was being deprived. This was wrong for me to act and feel this way because there is a whole lot more involved that I was not previously considering. The Lord has used Jeff Miller's 12 part audio series to help change my way of thinking about this, virtually overnight. I highly recommend it to anyone who is having similar struggles.

I'm still in overdrive big time but learning to take each day (and each night) one day at a time. I am learning that God's grace is sufficient.

Thanks again for taking time to reply.

Struggling:

Thank you for replying and I do not mind a woman replying at all. It helps to know how a Christian woman feels about these kind issues and to get your viewpoint as well. I appreciate your sharing your situation and I agree that my wife could be feeling somewhat unloved. I am very aware of her daily struggles with running a home (especially with our brood), and I know it can be demanding and draining. I have my daily struggles at work also. I use to think that you bite the bullet and get on with the program. Everybody's got issues. Everybody's struggling with something. But why deprive me of one of the few things we both enjoy? Why reject my advances? Why limit me to once a month? What did I do to deserve this? After listening to Jeff Miller's audio series, I'm now thinking, what have I NOT been doing to have allowed things to get to this point in our lives.

I have been wrong about a lot of my feelings and thoughts concerning this situation. When I am daily bombarded with temptation and my urges and desires are raging, it is extremely difficult for me to think about our present situation being my fault, let alone anything else. I really don't think married Christian women understand this. I really don't. Nevertheless, I'm beginning to understand now that, in spite of my present day situation, it's not about me at all. It's about her and I'm beginning to accept that I need to do what I can to be there for her and to ensure that she is important to me, that she is still beautiful to me, and I still love her and care for her and will be there for her through thick and thin, and to give the emotional support that I know I have not been offering. If physical intimacy follows afterwards, great. But if not, I'm learning to accept that as well and not take it out on her through resentment or showing disappointment, which I have been doing. I have been wrong and seeking the Lord's help with this.

And please know I would never use scripture to berate or make anyone feel bad, especially concerning sensitive issues like this. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective and concern, and for taking time to reply.

I know it has been quite awhile since anyone has posted on this paticular blog but I really feel for you Blue and any other man who is going through this. I am a very happily married woman of just over a year and my poor husband who has been very very patient with me is being wronged by me I feel due to my incrediable lack of sexual desire. I have been a pretty good girl my whole life...I am a very late bloomer just finally getting married at the age of 39 and only had sex with two men previous to my husband and none of it was an enjoyable experience for the most part. To me unfortuntely sex is just a boring, tiring chore and I know that is horribly wrong of me to look at it that way. I think my problem is that since I have gone all those years without sex and don't really know what I am missing I just got used to not having it. I love my husband that is NOT a problem and I fear maybe a little bit of lack of attaction to him that way doesn't help plus I did have a fear of sex shortly after we got married and had a condition called vagimunis...I dont think I spelled that correctly but it is the fear of letting anything in there so that def. did NOThelp!!! I no longer have that problem and the VERY FEW times we have had sex he seemed to enjoy it just fine. I am a very submissive wife and feel he needs to take charge more but since I had that problem it has kinda hurt him mentally too in that area and he doesn't want to feel he is just taking advantage of me.

I know probably the best thing to do is get counceling but I am going to try some studies and books first. I know a lot of people suggested the 5 Love Languages and other helps I will be pursuing. As far as I know I have never been abused...I have a friend who thinks I could have been at a very young age and have blocked it out and that could also be a problem but I dont' think that is the case with me.

God did give us sex as a wonderful gift of course only used in the right way and I feel so sad that I am not appreciating it like I should. I am bound and determined to keep praying about it and doing what I can and as a last resort get counceling but I hope anyone else out there who is really frustrated that you are able to get to the bottom of things as well and God will truly bless you. I think your wives are very blessed to have you and I am sure they love you. Just like me, I love my husband dearly but for some reason I just can't get overly excited about sex.

1. A sexless marriage isn't a problem in itself. It's a symptom of something much deeper. Trying to solve the symptom instead of the problem can actually make things worse between you. If you really want to get the sex back into your marriage you must look deeper to find the real cause.

2. This isn't something which only you experience. It is estimated that over 15% of couples live in sexless relationships. For years this problem has been swept under the rug. On this website it will be ignored no longer. You have come to the right place to start getting your marriage back on track.

3. Sexless marriages aren't the result of aging. There are plenty of couples who have regular sex well into their 70's and 80's. On the other hand, there are many couples who fall into a sexless situation in their 30's or even 20's. Age is no excuse to stop having sex.

4. Trying to read one of those so-called expert books on how to improve a couple's sex life won't help. You need something which provides a true solution for YOU. The reason is that these books are written for men and women both. This isn't the way to go. You need something which is specifically for you.

5. Waiting for this situation to clear up on its own is like saying goodbye to sex forever. Don't bury your head in the sand, it is up to you to find the solution for your sexless marriage. Some couples go on for years without having sex. Don't let this happen to you.
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kelvin
The Bible

I just wanted to encourage those who are struggling with desire "mismatch" to not give up...there are many reasons ladies withdraw sexually from their husbands, and yes, many times things are said and done/not done to contribute. I recommend reading Dr. James Dobson's book, Act of Marriage. While I believe that each couple has a right to decide for themselves what is appropriate for their intimate life, by mutual agreement and prayer, I think it is a good place to start. I think it should be required reading for pre-marital counseling. The most important thing I got out of the book: that in marriage, sex is a sacred thing, and that it was fully intended to be pleasurable, and wholly permissable and desirable.

Gentlemen, I would suggest a personal inventory is a good place to start. It is important to care for your body and it's hygiene. Women tend to be more sensitive to odor than men. Try to remember what it was that your love was first attracted to, and ask her what she would improve, if she could. If you need to see the dentist for a good tooth scrubbing or a doctor-GO! We all age, we all get comfortable, and we develop bad habits. The habit I hated most in any man I ever dated? Smoking and the odor on his clothes, beard, breath, and hands. It was ing! But, speaking of aging and body changes, we need to exercise the same mercy with our spouses that we ourselves desire. We will not always be youthful, nor is it fair to expect that there will not be "seasons" where the intimate relationship evolves and changes. A mom in her late 30's rarely looks as hot as that SI model in the bikini...it is not a fair comparison..

Manners--do you still treat your wife with the same or greater respect than you showed her while courting? Do you honor her and protet her in public by opening doors, helping her with her coat, walking on the street side of the sidewalk? Do you pick up your socks out of the floor? Do you expect from yourself, what you expect from your wife in terms of self care and responsibility? Do you criticize your partner in public or stand by silently when others do? Familiarity breeds contempt.

I personally have been guilty of taking my partner for granted, for being disrespectful, and not having presented myself in the most desirable light. I did find that once I changed those things that my partner was again more receptive and willing, but communication is where the ball starts rolling and the willingness for someone to change sincerely to get out of the rut. Be honest about your unmet needs and ask her about her unmet needs. Time pressures are an enemy of intimacy. So learn to schedule for that time alone, and be prepared to cut back on other obligations to make your marriage a priority. Learn to say "no" to those who would demand even more of your time, and yes, maybe even your employer needs to be told that for a certain time, the pager is off and you are unavailable for immediate response. Place a hedge around your marriage and pull the weeds in your garden if you want the flowers to bloom!

There wasn't enough room in the last post for me to continue...
For Blue:
I think that you are correct in stating that most of us ladies do not have a full appreciation of the male drive; I did not until I reached my 40's. I do not see masturbation as sinful unless it is based in lust for someone who is not your wife, or driven by pornographic images. It can be an embarrassing thing to discuss, but it is a natural thing to do to address the physical need. I am certain there will be those who will disagree with me in this forum, but I know that my children, who are now grown, experienced self touch, and that the medical community considers this to be normal, healthy sexual behavior. I do not note that you are depriving your wife of children or relations with you. My opinion is that you are perfectly normal! I am thankful that my mother was honest and open about the changes that I would experience in my life regarding these seasons of desire, and how hormones drive them for both men and women. Some people just have a naturally higher drive than others, and perhaps this is true for you. Please don't beat yourself up over it. So, i feel that if you feel led to need to confess it to Christ, do so-but move on in forgiveness, not shame. The Accuser would use this area as an avenue to weaken you with uneccessary guilt.

A side comment here: Today's fashions for women are very figure conforming and with deep necklines, Ladies are wearing these clothes and further aggravating the desire issue for our brothers in Christ. We need to exercise a little more modesty. I promise that men have plenty of imagination and are wired to "see" plenty. Less revealing is really more tasteful and witnesses our faith more consistently. The men cannot help but look, but we can control how much they see by being careful in the choice of our clothing.

I am impressed that you are actively seeking help for the issue here and that this forum will deal respectfully with your situation; the advice to consider counseling and medical exam for both you and your spouse is wise. Please prayerfully consider getting help before the regrets and resentment seep in, before the damage is done to your relationship. God intends for us to have a full and deep expression of love within marriage, and it is my prayer for you and others to be fulfilled an return to joy. As for me, I am divorced and celebate--and I struggle with this issue, but for an obviously different reason. I have asked for God to temper or remove that desire from me, since I no longer have the proper relationship for it to be expressed in.