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I have been married for less than a year when I asked my wife to marry me I knew that I was not in love with her but thought that my feelings would change and I would fall in love but it has gotten worse. We are now separated and divorse is eminent Looking back I realized that what I thought was God speaking to me about marring her had to be someone else. I am a minister and my wife and I attend the same church. I have since then been sat down from minsterial duties in the church. She is obviously and understandably bitter and angry. I love my church home and would love to stay but my pastor has already informed me that it is going to be difficult for me here because of how it will be viewed in the kingdom of God. I believe that God can do anything but fail or lie. I also believe that we were not attended to be married to each other. I have prayed for mercy for braking our marriage covenent with the Lord and I do know that it will get tougher before it gets better. What your take on it?

You haven't listed any Biblical grounds for divorce, so that certianly will be a problem for you to continue in ministry in a Baptist church.

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Cobra (the car, not the poisonous reptile)
all scripture is NRSV unless otherwise noted

gman,

What would you tell someone who has been a Christian but who confides in you they are leaving the church and going to explore other religions because they just don't feel the love of God they feel they should?

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Marv
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Please, please .... go and get good, professional, Christian marriage counseling.

You can make this marriage work if you are both willing to try.

But you made promises both to God and to your wife .... what grounds do you have for breaking them?

The pushing of "falling in love" and "being in love" is a purely modern storyline ... it could even be called a 'myth'.

Even those who would testify to "falling in love" in the fairy-tale manner would also tell you that this feeling never lasts .... sometimes not even past the honeymoon. As you would clearly see from what happens with high-profile figures.

What does last, is the commitment of two people to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. That is why on the whole, even arranged marriages work, because they rely on that strong commitment, and the known fact that love very often grows from this commitment.

This in fact is the background to the Old and New Testament concept of marriage, marriages were arranged by families, and the laws are written with this understanding. Young people choosing to marry purely for 'feelings' of love and romance are a modern phenomenon.

Take courage and do what is right, then you can be sure of God's help and strength to help you. And according to His promise, God can bring good even out of this, if you remain committed to obeying God.

in Christ

Dinah

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Please listen to Dinah's advice...she is absolutely right. Get help, stick it out, learn to embrace your spouse as the person God has created them to be.

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As a man who has been there and counseled others in this situation, the only thing you can do is fix yourself through the power of the Holy Spirit. If you are both Christians and solidly dedicated to God's word as your authority in your daily life, then you have the hope that the Holy Spirit is convicting her of her wrong as well. If she is not a believer, then there is as Paul says, nothing you can do. But to point fingers and to make a spectacle does not help things. Counseling will only help if both are fully and totally committed. It will help you if you are committed and she is not, to survive a divorce and possibly prepare you for a possible future reconciliation. But no amount of pleading and begging will make her reconcile. It will only drive her away. Pray earnestly for the Father to repair her heart and repair yours. Don't become holy rollin', super duper halo chokin', Bible thumpin in your conversations with her. Be yourself. Be truly humble like Christ. Accept her insults without rebuttle, and humbly smile. You have no choice as a Christian but to find a way to love her. Love is not a matter of emotion, although at times there will be emotion, it is a matter of will. Once you will to love someone, then whatever they do will not affect your love for them and it can be a prick in their hearts to repent and turn.

On the other hand:

If you believe that you were not intended to be married to each other, then congradulations! You have just believed the biggest lie that Satan has ever crafted to destroy families. You also have used the biggest cop-out for doing the hardest thing that all real Christian MEN are called to do: love your wife as Christ loved the Church: NO EXCEPTIONS. Its rather peculiar that people take marriage vows before a Holy God, and then run to the local magistrate to seek dissolution and absolution of their marriage by human signature. How would your feel if God said " I do not think it was a good thing to save you and I am going to cancel my salvation contract with you. Just pretend that Christ did not die for you!"?

If you harden your heart in this matter, you will not be able to find rest, purpose and uselfullness in the Kingdom of God that you once knew. If you think you will repent later, you are right. Because, you will be the most miserable and unlikeable fellow on earth until you reconcile with God. That includes reconciling with your wife if she has not moved on. But it will be hard to "plan" a time of repentance. To do so only indicates the depth and severity of your hardness. You are about to ruin your wifes life as well. She will be forced to carry a stigma that may prevent her from ever finding her usefulness and purpose in her life the way God intended it. Sure he will restore, but it will never be the same. If she demands the divorce, then it may be another matter. But if you are, you are in a way denying the very faith that you claim. By the way are you aware that second marriages have a 75% divorce rate? (In case you were thinking of having a better second marriage.)

I would wager that the very fact that you inquired on this board was in fact to find some sort of comfort in what you are planning to do, because you don't have a peace about it. But, I don't think you will find sympathy to rationalize your plans in this response.

Gman, it is clear that what you are doing is contemplating sinning before you have done it, counting on God's forgiveness and mercy ahead of time. You are presuming on the grace of God! Consider Paul's take on this: "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be!" (Romans 6:12-15 NASB).

Rather than praying for mercy and forgiveness for an action you have not yet taken, pray for mercy and forgiveness for those actions you have already done. Ask your wife for her forgiveness and demonstrate to her your commitment to obeying God. Then pray for strength to be obedient to what you already know to be God's will.

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All Scripture quotations are New American Standard Bible, unless otherwise indicated.

I cannot comment on the Pastorial implications of your problem as I am not equipped to discuss that. But, your marriage and eminent divorce, I do believe God has given me the heart and life experience to. Dear Brother, as with any crisis, you must begin with deep and constant prayer for God to intervene and control the entire situation. Do not make any decisions hastily or without days of prayer. Let God do all the work. He will open doors, bring the right people to your aid, and hold you and your wife up in the process. Let God make Blueberry pie out of your Blues. Allow Him to work through this that you have found yourself in. Ask your chruch to come along side you, instead of condemn you. Take each moment as it comes slowly and without worry. Stand tall but be humble. Ask forgiveness but wear your Armor.

I cannot comment on whether your marriage should or will stay together as I do not have all the facts, and God has a plan for you and her. We both know what the Bible says about marriage and divorce. And, scripture is what we MUST follow to stay in line with God's plan. But, you have fallen off the path ... so now you must allow God to work through this tragedy and bring His light out of this darkness -- do you understand -- you must not act -- Allow God to do it. Pray, be faithful in all you do -- keep yourself clean of thoughts, deeds, word, actions so that God may have a clear path to work with you -- he can and will, if you get out of his way. Tell this to your wife as well so that she may be able to be healed as well, now, as I am sure she is hurting. too.

Be still. Read your Bible always to keep close to God (now, more than ever), listen for his instruction, and act only when you feel he is sending you. God will use this to strengthen you and make you closer to Him. But, you must let him.

gman wrote:

You seem to believe the hollywood lie that marriage is about your feelings of being 'in love'.

Why blame 'someone else' and not yourself?

The first duty of a minister is to minister to his wife.
Love is not a feeling, it is a commitment.
Marriage is a commitment to serve our partner regardless.
Ministering is serving.
Prove your gift of ministry by serving your wife. This does not mean giving her everything she wants or always letting her have her way. Give yourself to her. Love her as you love yourself and if this is not enough for her then she can choose to divorce you. Trust God that as you do this you will feel His blessing on your ministry and confirmation of your calling.

Again, love is commitment. If you were committed to your church then you would take their advice.

You intended it and God allowed it. God is in control and He didn't stop it therefore I believe that you were intended to marry and to learn from the commitment you need to give to your wife.

Listen, I don't want to come across as harsh and the web is a difficult place to communicate clearly. So imagine me with a gentle tone, a kind look and a sense of genuine care... Got it? Now keep that as you read...

But this has to be said - you are astonishingly selfish. Of course she is bitter and angry! You promised to love her for the rest of your lives and now, after a very short period of time, you are leaving her because you can't be bothered to make an effort - you just don't want to. Because no matter how you try to word it, that is what it boils down to. Well, tough! You must!

If you ever want to be a man of God then take this opportunity to grow up, humble yourself, apologise to your wife and get on with the serious job of loving her for better or worse. And you should stay out of ministry until you get this childish selfishness sorted out. Seriously.

I hope you've remembered to read this with that tone, look and heart I spoke of. This no rant and hide. If you wanted to message or e-mail me I'd be there to help you walk through this mess you have created. Sincerely. But for Christ's sake (meant literally, not as a turn of phrase) don't walk away. This is your opportunity to get sorted.

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Anthony Forsyth
Pastor, Calvary Bible Church Medway

Pantman,

I LOVE your avatar - looks like Captain Underpants (my boys loved -and still do) those books! ! !

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Jennifer Dent
Site Administrator

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It IS Captain Underpants!

Here in the UK "pants" refer to underpants - what you call "pants" we call "trousers". So the closest I can get to an avatar of my frequently used nickname (I'm sure some of my friends have forgotten my real name) is our old friend Captain Underpants.

So, yes, it is a deeply concerning nickname. even more so when you consider that "pants" is also slang for something that is not good or just plain sucks!

It brings assistance to my humility when people at church call me "Pastor Pants" which, sadly, they do!

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Anthony Forsyth
Pastor, Calvary Bible Church Medway

I remember hearing David Jeremiah talking about a man who came to him and said, "Pastor Jeremiah, I don't think I'm with the right woman." Jeremiah asked, "Are you married to her?" The man replied, "Yes." Jeremiah responded, "Then you're with the right woman."

Several questions arise for me: Why did you think God wanted you to marry someone you weren't in love with? And if you honestly believe he wanted you to marry her, then do you honestly think that he would condone your divorce now if he's the one that put the two of you together? And if you were wrong in thinking that he was leading you to the marriage and you made a mistake, what makes you think you can just walk away from it and God will think that's okay?

I'm sure I sound unsympathetic, but I have known people who started out together for all the wrong reasons, went through some tremendously rocky times, but ultimately made it work in the long run. They didn't do it without the Lord at the centre of the relationship though. He's the one that made it work. All they did was cooperate with him and learn to practise his kind of love and forgiveness in their relationship. In the end, they were so glad they hadn't just ended the marriage back when it had seemed impossible to continue with it. You might be surprised at the blessings God has in store for you if you allow him to help you mend this broken relationship and reconcile with your wife.

Ask God for guidance. If you really believe that God put you to it. He will get you through it. Dont be deceive by your emotion.

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LORD, Your way...Your will...Your time

It is very obvious that YOU have made decisions on what YOU want and are willing to sin to get it. This could be the very decission that the lord has brought you to ,,whom will you put your trust in...I do agree that somtimes decisions are hard and god seems like he is not listening but he is....only one question i have though? is it the same person who told you to marry your wife the same person who called you into ministry...if your answer is yes then how do you know? trust in god and his word...fight for his word and stay in till god leads you out