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I have an eighteen year old daughter who is going through a very difficult time with a former boyfriend. Her boyfriend had been someone she had grown up with and considered one of her best friends for many years. Last year the relationship blossomed into one where each expressed a desire to develop a much deeper relationship. They dated through the summer and everything seemed to be so right. The relationship remained very pure and joyful. At the end of last summer he left for college (she had one year of high school left) and abruptly cutoff communications with her. His reason was the '..God had told him the relationship was not right.', but would never explain. She was devastated and tried to email him to understand what had gone wrong but he refused to communicate (ignored her calls and letters). When he came home to visit on holidays he would not even speak with her, going out of his way to look the other way when she passed him in the hall. Now, home for the summer, he is visiting our church youth group again. My daughter is so uncomfortable that she doesn't want to attend youth ministry activities anymore. He never says anything mean to her, but by his silence makes her feel totally isolated. We have prayed together about this numerous times, but it remains a very emotional subject. Does anyone have any advice on how she can put this behind her? I have debated talking with her youth pastor about her former boyfriend's behavior, but I do not want to make things worse.

There may be some event/action of which you are unaware. It may not be sinister - he may just have realized that it was not time for him to be serious.

On the other hand - it is common for this to happen when either or both go to school. One's 19th year is a great year of change. I have seen a number relationships end when either or both members of the couple go to school.

However, it is best not to guess.

Option 1 is to seek biblical reconciliation, I would show matthew 18 to your daughter and explain that she needs to act to restore the fellowship of her brother in Christ. Surely there is some adult in whom both young people may have confidence.

The other option is for your daughter to ask God for strength to just move on. If he was the right one for her - he would not have moved on without an explanation. He may be unprepared for the commitment.

In Christ, John

_________________
"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Gal 5:6b

Pastor John C. Blackburn

Boyfriend is a college student: too busy or having difficulty with his academic; no time for worrying a girlfriend.

" God told him the relationship is not right" , if he is taking a theology then he is having relationship with God.

He went to college which mean he matured or doesn't want to be involved with high school student.

Both of them are young, both will have many more friends to meet; boyfriend will meet more girlfriends and girlfriend will meet more boyfriends. Life must go on.

Why play hide and seek, why not your daughter do a direct approach and speak to the boyfriend "WHY"? good or bad move on.

Jesus probably have better intention/plan for the young man or for your daughter. Maybe he is not the man of her life. They're too young to play house wife and husband. Finish their educations for better future and your daughter should concentrate on her future rather than this "puppy love" she's having. She will be attending college soon and meeting with new fellow classmates and probably she will not have time to have a boyfriend.

Most of all, don't blame God by making excuses not to attend the church or youth ministry, etc... He is going to church because of God and your daughter should do the same.


Our time on earth is getting shorter every year, enjoy!

While I believe that you have the best intentions for your daughter, I would like to address this from a daughter's point of view.

First, I am 32 now and have always had a contentious relationship with my mother. I know that she loves me and has the best of intentions but sometimes all I need/ed was a hug and a simple "I support you."

I had a very serious boyfriend my senior year of high school. It was wonderful and I really thought I was in love. He dumped me the night of my graduation. At the time, the only thing I could focus on was him, why he broke up with me and how I could get him back. I had introduced him to the Bible Study that I had been going to for years and after we went our seperate ways, he continued to attend. We spoke but it was hard for me. I was so in "love."

Looking back, I can smile and giggle, knowing that had we stayed together it still would have ended. I didn't really come into myself until I was in my mid twenties and until I turned 30, well, I would have been a disaster for any man in my life. At this time, I am struggling with the end of relationship where I was finally really in love.

Relationships begin and end for reasons, most of which we will never know or understand. I still could not tell you why my hs boyfriend dumped me all those years ago but I do know that it was for the best. It is hard to not know and analyze the situation. Trust me, going through that right now.

I would support your daughter, pray for her and the strength to keep her chin up and be strong. And by him not acknowledging her is such close quarters. . .well, it looks badly upon him, not her. The first time I was in the same place with my current ex, he walked out the back door and hid in our friends' backyard until way after I had gone. My friends are still scratching there heads about this one.

While the situation is harder when you are younger, it does ease up and the good news? Only a few weeks to go until he goes back to college.

I hope you do not take any offense to what I have said, I just wanted to speak from years of experience. This will also give your daughter great experience when dealing with the opposite sex. We women want to talk it out, figure it out and close the chapter on said situation. Men, well, I can only figure that the way they deal with problems is to clam up, give a very brief explanation and try to forget it ever happened.

Good luck and again, as a daughter, just be there for her to support her. The one thing that irritates me about my mother is the need to make comments/judgements about situations that deal with me. While she feels that is what I need to hear or proves to me that she loves me, it only makes it worse.

I think that it is wonderful that you are supportive and the two of you are praying together.

There can be so many reasons for his actions. He could have met someone else while he was gone and now can't face her without feeling guilty. Or it can be that he has told her the truth but she can not accept it and now ignores her because of it.
First loves are the hardest to let go of and only time and prayer can help at this point.

Hi. I just read your posting. I'm really sorry your daughter has been hurt like that. And without an understanding, it is difficult to move forward.

I have been hurt similar. However, my circumstances are different, I'm older and well.. just different circumstances.

I think it is really important for people to mend the net or at least reconcile to a better place between the two of them. Even if it is not to continue seeing each other, but with both being devoted Christians it is important to try and apply God's word and that is to at least talk about it. But it sounds to me like you said she tried too. He isn't responding to her.

I'm not fond of this kind of behavior, it is hurtful and in my thoughts, non-Christian-like. But it is what it is, doesn't make him a bad person, just that I guess he changed his mind.

I think the fact that they have been friends for a long time, before getting more involved in the summer, that it would be considerate of him to acknowledge the friendship and time they did have, with some respect and his behavior in not being there to talk to and answer some of her questions, his action is hurtful. I can imagine.

There is not much you can do, except to help her go back to church and seek God. Pray together and let her know you are there. Listen when she needs you too. Love her.

Its hard too, because they were good friends for a long time, then when the person is a Christian and their behavior is less than we expect of our brothers and sisters, it is even harder to figure out. It sort of crushes everything we believe. And our trust is broken and confused by this kind of answer, which is no answer, silent.

He may not be able to explain it and perhaps is avoiding talking about it. Taking the easy way out it may seem.

It isn't necessary to force someone to move on before they are ready too. Because it won't work. Not really. I mean if she isn't ready to date yet, that is ok. However, I would encourage her to go back to church, to keep doing everything else, but if she is not ready to date someone else, then thats ok.

Too many people, when they love you, think its best you move on and put everything in the past and think there is something wrong with you if you don't. I think it is fine to do your daily things, concentrate more on other things and not worry about dating.

If she really finds it difficult to go to the same youth group, then perhaps she should try another. The main thing is keeping her fellowship with God. God is a great comforter and is the only one that truly can work within us.

We don't know what the future holds, God does. We look "onward" and put our trust in God, that He is in Control. And God will never foresake us.

Catherine

The young man is the one that needs to be covered in prayer. He is not acting in love, which is kind, faithful, not prideful nor hurtful (I am not a verse and chapter memorizer) but I know the jest of the love chapter. re-read it in a bunch of version...the Message, Amplified, NKJames, etc. Begin to ask the Lord to show this to him so that he will not act in hate, which is the opposite of all in the love chapter. Besides, if she has somehow become a "goliath" to her, he needs to knock down those feelings for himself to go on. this boy will not be the type of husband any girl would seek. Someone that shuts down after a disagreement, and completely changes the dynamics of the relatonship. I woudn't want to date or marry him. and who would? he will carry this burden with him the rest of his life. FOR HIS SAKE (more than your daughter's who seems to have a grip on it)...for the boy's sake, someone must tell him about repentance, forgiveness and allow him the freedom to move on. He needs to nail the reasons that he "shut down" to the Cross, and leave them there. Then and only then, will he be able to look at Daughter in the eye, and give a kind word, and a gentle casual hug. the boys needs prayer and a change of heart.

I agree completely. He does need prayer. God gives us "free choice" and for whatever reason he shuts down, I agree, its best talking to God about it. We need to remember too the choices we make, the consquences and how it affects others too.

I have been hurt in a similiar way. I think it has permanently scarred me to be honest. It was a person that I thought was very godly, but his action wasn't. And I think I remember reading in God's word, hate the sin but love the sinner.

I can tell you, his not mending the net, has affected my life, my children's. A permanent scar. More so than the action of breaking up.

I think, this is just my thoughts, that when we make choices, as God did give us free will to do that, He also gave us a mind to you. I believe when we make choices, we seek God and pray to Him about this, for wisdom, guidance and strength.

God is very clear in His word about mending the net. The scriptures are very clear without a doubt, what God wants us to do in that subject. We can make excuses, we can even say we are doing it because it is better for the other person, we can find other scriptures in the bible and interp them to suit what we want to think. For example, the circumstances not being easy at the time or can't see them changing. God is bigger than circumstances and it takes faith and believe that. Sometimes, God doesn't guide us in easy paths. It means stepping out and with Faith in the Lord, going ahead and believing, even admist certain circumstances. I think sometimes as Christians, if it's not easy enough or doesn't seem to be going easier.. we think it's not God's path for us. Not God's choice. Which is not always true. I can say I've been through adveristies, trials and real difficult circumstances and witness that with faith and believing and guidance and prayer, seeking and knocking and reading more of His word... those circumstances have changed. They don't always change over night or even in a month or even in a year. I think it was Sarah that wanted a baby and she was blessed later in life. But God did make that promise and it did come to pass.

I think God leads us on paths that sometimes are easy, sometimes not.. but they are fruitful, with faith and obedience then blessing.. We are not saved by works, but if we are on God's path, when we leave our comfort zones and give our all and trust God with all our heart, giving ourselves completely to Him, the path He leads will be of works.

I took a real journey, without going into details, but I believed it was God's path for me. I still do. Even when circumstances were against me, once I kept walking anyways and I went ahead on that journey.. I found along the way and during the time I was there.. I met with people who just came.. situations and incidents too place where I was able to help or talk about God or there was always something and I had no doubts that I was to be there. Whether small or big, it is a joy to be used by God. And even though my heart's desires of being with a man who I thought was the right choice for me, I still do.. he would shut down too and he didn't mend the net. I still went anyways, I knew what God wants us to do abot that. I was there. I did not force, pressure... I just was there. I figured God created earth and heaven, I feared if I was not obedient, I feared God.. so I was obedient, but also out of love for God. I figured God would help us mend the net.

But because people have free will.. like God, He wants us to come because we love him, because we want too. And like Him, we are to show that love in the same way. We are not God, we do have God and He can work within us. If we chose to go the other way, chose not to listen or see or hear what God tells us, another person cannot make them do it, but we can be there and leave the door open and be ready to forgive. We even need to forgive even when we don't see that person.

All I can say with all this I've written.. is his not mending the net, has hurt us badly. It's like the iceberg, we don't always know what is underneath. While he may not be the type that is ready for marriage yet and is not showing Christian love, never mind the other.. then we still must pray for them and never cease praying. And be what God teaches us to do.

I am sorry your daughter has gone through this. If it is any comfort, I can say I've gone through similiar and it hurts badly and still hurts. Not the kind you hang on too, but the hurt that sort of pains us inside. Only God can heal that and we ask Him. Sometimes he takes that pain from us and sometimes like the thorn, he doesn't. It is ok though.. we just trust God about this all.

And not treat others like that and be always willing for a forgiving heart. Maybe not to get back together in a relationship and marriage, etc., but with a love that God teaches us to show and share.

I hope that what I've said, makes sense.

Blessings,
Catherine

I just want to give a word of encouragement. You can pass this on if you think it will help (but when you are hurt, sometimes this kind of thing doesn't really help). When I was in College my fiancee and I were attending different schools. I called her to discuss our first chance to get together, and she told me she didn't want to marry me. I was torn up, that hurts guys as much as the girls, and didn't really feel better for a few months. It takes time to heal from that kind of hurt. To add insult to injury, the next time she came home to church, she brought her new boyfriend. They were married within a year.

The hurt does go away. I eventually learned that I needed to forgive her, regardless of her actions. Although we aren't close friends, we can talk.

The biggest encouragement is this. I am now married to the most wonderful woman. She is a great wife and mother. I am sure my first fiancee would have been and OK wife, but I honestly think she and I would have had some marriage problems. While my wife and I have few problems in are marriage, and those are mainly external pressures.

I guess the biggest things to remember at a time like this are;
1. God still loves your daughter more than anyone else will,
2. Forgiveness is important, even when you don't feel like it,
3. God has a perfect spouse waiting, being prepared, for the daughter he loves so much.

God Bless.

_________________
Rev. David Lewis
"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil" (on a bumper sticker)
It's all in how you interpret it.

I'm so sorry; it's terrible to see our kids hurting.

The young man's behavior shows an uncaring attitude of what his actions might be doing to her - how cold.

I would recommend that your husband take the young man out for a cup of coffee and talk about this. At the very least, the young man owes your daughter an apology for leading her on and then cutting her off so coldly.

I'm sure both have moved on sense this thread is 5 yrs old, Hopefully it had a happy ending guess we will never know..

Ha! You're right, Eeyore!

I wonder what happened. We'll find out in heaven, I guess.