The Bible NETWork ~ Impacting the World for Christ one post at a time!

I am happily married to my husband who happens to have a young child from a previous relationship (born out of wedlock). I get along splendidly with my stepson and am happy when he's around. Unfortunately, I am having a difficult time knowing where our personal boundaries are with the husband's ex (biomom).

The past year has been difficult as she and my husband were going through a bitter child support case. I am friendly with her when we see each other and I truly harbor no hatred for her, but I am leery about the idea of letting her into mine and my husband's personal affairs. Biomom has proven to be untrustworthy while they were going to court to determine child support, she blatantly lied about her income and other things in order to make the monthly child support amount greater in her favor. I mention that only to provide a basis as to why I distrust her. In my opinion she has proven herself untrustworthy.

This all leaves me confused about how to protect myself from her and her potentially harmful antics, yet treat her in a Christ-like way. An example is: my husband and I recently got a new home, biomom has insisted that she come see the home. I am hesitant to welcome her because she has lied in the past about an affair with my husband that was later proven to never have happened. Why now would I want her to see the inside of my home so she can make false claims about having been there when I wasn't home or anything else she may come up with. I would love for my stepson to see us all getting along and my heart is bothered by the fact that I don't trust her.

So, my question is, what does the bible say about guarding oneself from those who wish to do us harm vs. forgiving our enemies and showing them Jesus's love? I don't know which stance to take on this and I am troubled because I don't want there to be any animocity, but she has demonstrated a past which includes deceit and trickery so my natural reaction is to protect myself and my family and keep her at a distance.

Hi Corrina,

I've been the husband this same situation. Until she has proven herself trustworthy, I considering being "wise as serpents" necessary to protect your home.

My wife and I found that a certain "give and take" was required to enable even limited contact with my son. Even that little bit of exposure was used by his mother against us. But how he is 26, we have our own relationship, and these things are all past.

Now, I know everyone is different, but my counsel is to be very careful with what information and access you allow her to have until she has truly proven herself to more trustworthy. And then, just for safety's sake, still be careful.

Love in Christ,
Mark

_________________
ειπεν αυτη ο ιησους εγω ειμι η αναστασις και η ζωη ο πιστευων εις εμε καν αποθανη ζησεται
saying to her Jesus, I AM the resurrection and the life, the one believing into Me even dying shall live

I agree with Mark .... and voted with him .... it is wise to maintain healthy boundaries (I recommend you read Cloud and Townsend's book on "Boundaries"), and if she wants to meet, then find a neutral space and make sure that others are present.

treat her as you would any friend or acquaintance, of whose motives you are not certain - with consideration but due care.

_________________
Forum Code of Conduct
Forum Statement of Beliefs

I too agree with Mark. Forgiveness does not mean that we are to open the door to further abuse. Allowing such a person any "window" into personal affairs is not at all wise.

I agree with Dinah that you should read "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. would add that you should then promptly discuss the issue with your husband (preferably after both of you read the book) and both of you set CLEAR BOUNDARIES concerning this woman. IMO you should be on the same page with your husband and also be able to explain your reasoning with your step-son in a clear and gracious manner at a level that he can understand. Obvioulsy how one explains such issues with a toddler is quite different than a teenager.
Be open & honest with your step-son without degrading or demeaning his mother. He is (or will soon be) able to see the truth.

_________________
Blessings,
Randy
Forum Code of Conduct
The Bible NETWork Doctrinal Statement
The Net Bible Online

corina -- welcome to the forum

it is prudent to be suspicious - this woman has proven herself untrustworthy -- i'd go so far as to assume her an enemy of your family until proven otherwise -- it would be prudent to know your legal obligations too

it also appears she's trying to destroy your relationship w/ biodad -- i apparently voted with everyone else but maybe i was too lenient...

1 Q that hasn't been asked...is she Saved?

she needs prayer but she also needs to know y'all will not enable her unhealthy behavior -- protect yourselves -- be on the same page as she'll try to manipulate & play 1 family member against the other

perhaps God will Move in her even TODAY -- let us pray it happens! -- but, even Nehemiah built a wall around Jerusalem -- jus sayin'...