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How should I handle my child (age 10) being bullied at football (community league) practice and even before/after games--coaches have seen this and there have been no consequences for the other boys?

He doesn't know the names of the boys and isn't even sure of the jersey numbers, so I don't know who to complain about. I hear about these things after the fact. My son's father (non-custodial) says my son needs to learn to defend himself. I think that he shouldn't HAVE to defend himself against his team mates.

Examples:
At practice one day a boy was punching my son. My son kept asking him to quit, then finally got fed up with being hit and hit back -- both boys were made to run extra laps, and the bully continued to hit my son even while they were running. My son tried to tell the coach, but was brushed off.

At the last game, a boy was hitting my son with a stick on the helmet and shoulder pads. Again, my son ask him to quit repeatedly, but the other boy kept it up. Finally a coach came over and asked what was going on, but after he left, the other boy started up again. My son ended up going over to the group of boys the coach was working with, even though he wasn't part of that squad.

My son is homeschooled, the other boys on the team go to the same elementary school so they know each other but not my son.

I'm already on thin ice with the club management because I threatened to file a grievance against the coach for not playing all the boys in a game (rules are they have to play at least one quarter)--the club president is the assistant coach, so he already knew some boys weren't being played. It did get better after that--as near as I can tell, everyone gets in for at least a little while (maybe not a whole quarter, but more than one play).

If it were me I would find the resource officer and talk with the coach and the boys and say in front of the boys and the officer that you will press charges if it doesn't stop..

Is there some overseeing governing body that supervises and hires the coaches? If necessary, I'd address my concerns to them since the coaches don't seem to appreciate your concerns and the magnitude of the problem.

As to "letting your son learn to defend himself" ~ I think that going through channels and contact leadership is modeling good behavior, especially as an alternative to responding to violence with more violence.

I will pray for you, your son, and the situation.

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PROUD MILITARY WIFE ❤ PLEASE KEEP MY WONDERFUL DH IN YOUR PRAYERS

My youngest played football for a few years before he decided it wasn't what you know it's who ya know so he no longer plays....having said that I'm divided on this type of thing...

On one hand you don't want to teach your kid to be violent - on the other hand you need to teach him to not be a door mat.

Most school policy is written to protect the bully (trust me on this we've dealt with bully problems) so to that end we have instructed all three of our boys to NEVER NEVER NEVER let anyone put their hands on you. As I said SCHOOL policy protects the bully however the LAW (which over rides school policy) states one is allowed to defend themselves.

All three of my children had bully issues in elementary school and middle school. They followed school policy and reported all issues (and trust me there were more than I can count) and again and again nothing was done. Finally there came a time when all 3 had enough, after school in the neighborhood (not on school property) each of them had a moment when the bully came at them in the park, they defended themselves since that time they have not been bullied since. (now they each had their own separate instances but they all ended the same.

As long as we continue to teach our kids it's ok to be a door mat just tell a teacher the problem will NOT stop. Anthropologically speaking a pecking order is established in elementary age children. The victims will remain victims and the bullies will continue to bully until such a time that they are shown what it feels like to be picked on. In a perfect system reporting the problem will actually get these bullies the help they need but until then our household policy will remain "NEVER let anyone put their hands on you."

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Jennifer Dent
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This is a community league, not really connected to the school, though most of the teams are associated with one of the elementary schools--use the school mascot and colors, etc., and most of the boys on the team will attend that school. Since my son is homeschooled, he only sees these boys at football practice and the games.

Coaches are volunteers, so the only oversight is the league officials--the president is the assistant coach on my son's team...

Jennifer, any suggestions on how my son can respond when someone hits him? Likely to happen tomorrow night at the practice. Maybe I can teach him to stomp on the boy's foot as hard as he can...but for the most part, I'd rather teach him non-violent responses. Ways that he can turn the tables on the other boys without stooping to their level.

Of course, the other factor here is that the season is over in two weeks and I don't think we will still be here next year--in fact, expect to move sometime this winter. Part of me says I should kick up a fuss, if only to try to prevent this happening to some other child, and part of me is worried that if I do/say anything it will come back to bite my son.

Mollymouser, thanks for the prayers. Always needed appreciated.

well the league that my son was is was a community league as well (he was home schooled the first 2 years he played lol)

How you teach him to respond would depend on his age when my oldest was in the 3rd grade he kept getting bullied on the bus. The bully was sneaky and didn't get caught by the bus driver when he poked my son so of course the bus driver couldn't do anything about it. So my husband told him the next time he does turn around and politely ask him to stop, do this two times, saying "please stop poking me, my daddy has told me that if you don't stop I am allowed to punch you in the nose" So the next time it happened he did as he was instructed. The third time he got poked (that same day) he turned around and politely said "i warned you" and then promptly punched him in the nose. Needless to say my son broke the other kids nose with an over hand cross. The bully was 2 years OLDER than my child. My son of course got kicked off the bus for a month but he said it was worth it because after that NO ONE bullied him any more and the bully didn't bully anyone else either.

So for your son since there is only 2 weeks left, tell him to turn around and give the bully his back and walk away. If the coach says anything to him, tell him to tell the coach what is going on, if you see that you son is the one being punished for walking away. Intervene immediately!

And of course, prayer and pray often!

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Jennifer Dent
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IMHO we have made the Christian understanding of "meek" into the false understanding of "weak". Meek carries the idea of power under control or complete trust in higher authority. I think it good and right for you to raise the alarm and hold these men accountable for their lack of responsiility. Further, I think Jenn's advice is good. Your boy must find the fine line between coward and courage. As evidenced by Abraham it is good to be prepared and ready for conflict (Genesis 14:14). Abraham had well trained men and reacted with honor, courage, and integrity. Jesus as well took action to drive offenders out of the temple courts with a whip (John 2:15).
Every once in awhile a boy needs to pop the offender in the nose. He needs be ready for the consequences and you need to be ready to defend his actions. This bullying boy is most likely a caoward IMO who only "bullies" those he knows won't push back. If your boy pushes back I'm betting things will quickly change.

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Blessings,
Randy
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Have you personally talked to the coach about it? Have you gone up to him and said, "There's a problem with bullying on this team and I want it stopped."

Do you attend practices and games? Are you allowed to attend practices? If you don't is there an adult present that will help in your absence?

This is definitely something where not only does your child have the right to stand up for himself, but he needs to see you defend him also. I'm all for independent children but there does come a time when we need to step in and give an extra voice or two.

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Pressing charges for what? Some schoolyard nonsense? That's as childish and inappropriate as the behavior the kids are exhibiting. Police have more important things to worry about and if they did decide to take action for what are extremely minor things, you've just caused a family some serious legal headaches and expenses. There are better ways to handle this.

-Dan.

Well Dan i guess it depends on the age when I was in middle school I beat the tar out of a kid ,and when he went for the chair i took it from him and beat him with his own chair back then you could get away with that and get a paddling now you will be put in juvenile..

Dan I partially agree with you. The problem is nowadays if you DON'T get the police involved even at a young age, that bully will not stop. Parents of bullies fall into a couple categories (and yes there are exceptions) 1) They don't care if there children are bullies, after all kids will be kids and 2) parents who have no idea what a little brat and terror their children can be.

If bullies aren't stopped at a young age they won't stop being a bully. Now if we get rid of the whole zero tolerance garbage and let those who are bullied actual defend themselves we would still have bully's but they may just get their hineys beat up by someone who has had enough.

One of my boys had to actually go to court because the BULLY pressed charges when my son had enough. Of course he was acquitted because video tapes off the bus showed that he didn't start the fight, but regardless the school still suspended him for a week. So my son was penalized because of the bully. Those who are bullied have VERY few options.

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Jennifer Dent
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While not the case here, I did want to point out that we've got students seriously injuring and killing each other in "some schoolyard nonsense" and bullying. And still other kids committing suicide over this "schoolyard nonsense."

If it's a crime for an adult to punch another adult (assault/battery), then it MIGHT also be a crime for a minor to punch another minor (assault/battery.) I am not saying that THIS situation warrants police involvement, but I wanted to point out that SOME situations might warrant it.

Creationtalk ... still praying.

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PROUD MILITARY WIFE ❤ PLEASE KEEP MY WONDERFUL DH IN YOUR PRAYERS

As much as I like you Dan, SOMETIMES just the threat of getting the authorities involved solves the problem. It worked for us last year. I had to threaten legal action before the school decided that something needed to be done about the bus bully my child was having to deal with. A bus bully that was causing him to have some pretty major asthma attacks including one that ended us up in the ER. After 3 days of a child either coming home or the nurse calling from school because he's there having an attack that is so severe that his rescue inhaler and a nebulizer treatment isn't touching it, I had had enough!! My kid was miserable, missing school, and it was costing me money in gas for transportation (we live 13 miles from his school), meds and doctor visits! The morning of the 4th day I walked into the school and had a talk with the assistant principal, the transportation director, the bus driver, the nurse and anyone else that would listen. I called it what it was. It was assault. Especially, when the tapes reveled that even when my other children stepped in to try and protect their brother, this bully would turn on them. But my eldest - being 17 at the time KNEW he'd be tried as an adult if he decked the kid like he wanted to and my daughter was no match for a kid that was twice her size and bullied her too. I also called the superintendent! By that afternoon they reviewed all bus tapes, called the boys parents in for a meeting and the boy was off the bus for the rest of the school year. (amounted to about 3 weeks). AND his father called me and apologized for his son, and thanked me for getting their attention. The threat of legal action did that! That very same afternoon the bus was visited by the principal and assistant principal, and the transportation director and one of the school counselors and it was made VERY plain to all the kids on that bus that bullying of any sort was going to result in swift action and would not be tolerated. Sometimes a mom losing her cool, gets the job done with the adults in charge and then they can go on and make the changes that need to be made. Sure boys will be boys, but there are also times when enough is enough, when it goes beyond just boys being boys.

Edited to add - my eldest also was leery of getting involved and punching the kid, because his college scholarship depends on him staying OUT of trouble with the law! He didn't want to jeopardize his chance to go to school tuition free for 4 years over a bully, when he knew his mother would have a much greater and lasting affect on the situation.


Blessings,

Garsy

well said!

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Jennifer Dent
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This speaks quite well of you and your son Garsy! It's nice to know of a young man who is thinking clearly and not letting the testosterone over-ride the brain! I know I wasn't that thoughtful at 17 or 22 for that matter!

The system gives the bullies the upper hand IMO. Kids, just like adults, need to be able to defend themselves without fear of academic or legal action. I also feel that some of the stupidest things are acted upon. We had a great young man in our church get the "off-campus troublemaker school" (whatever its called) for the remainder of his Sr. year for shooting a friend with a NERF gun on the school parking lot. The little missile hit the kid in the shirt and velcroed right to it and a "parent" (not connected to either kid - they were playing around after school) saw the "incident" and reported a shooting on the parking lot. Seriously?????
I watched a kid loose scholarships over that!!