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I'm not married, nor do I have any children. I have nieces and nephews whom I adore and enjoy all the blessings of being Uncle. I get to feed them lots of sugar, get them all wound up, and then send them home to their parents. We have a lot of fun.
Yesterday I found out my 12 year old niece has a boyfriend.
And my mind is not taking it very well. I find myself unable to find an appropriate position of inluence on it. I don't want to step on Mom and Dad's toes, but I am compelled to beat the boys back with a stick. She is too young for close relationships like that. But it's not my decision.

I know what I would do if I were Dad, but what's an Uncle to do? How do I respond? This is not exactly a "comfortable" conversation, it's not my place to say anything to start. I can't handle this, it is making my mind think distressing thoughts and I have to do something to... prevent her from growing up I guess, I don't know. What is my place to make it so that she does not have boyfriends until she gets out of college?

Pray for me. It was unexpected and I'm unprepared. -As I told my niece, I don't think I am mature and strong enough for her to have a boyfriend. She needs to give me a few more years.

As I told my niece, I don't think I am mature and strong enough for her to have a boyfriend. She needs to give me a few more years.

I am not sure if this is tongue in cheek?

Can be a tough time for parents, I remember when my sons reached that age. It was such a dilema, if you stand firm they resist all the harder if too soft they take a mile. I am sure if you approached her parents in a loving, non judgemental way but as a concerned Uncle they may even value your input. I have to admit that sentence I find quite funny and assume it was meant to have a funny slant to it even if it is a stressful time.

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Favourite verse John 7:37-39

If I don't think about it, it's fine.
But if I think about it, it attacks my mind and consumes my focus, and I can't handle the paranoia. I get that empty gut feeling like something bad is gonna happen, it messes me up. Worried.
And, in conversation today, I found out my other niece of about the same age happens to have found herself a boyfriend too.
I need something real, something that is an effective attention getter.
Maybe I can make em sit through a curriculum on appropriate teenage relationships or something. I can probably get away with that.
Any suggestions?

A friend of ours had trouble with their teenagers hating church and in the end took the path of least resistance eg allowed them not to attend. My wife and I agreed this was probably for the better in this case.

A better option though would have been to change Church to a place where they had a functional youth group of devout Christians, another friend has his son now attending church on his own as it has become his main social event. Now I am not into having church as just a social event however at least each time they go they do hear the Word of God. It is the Word of God that changes lives, we are parents and concerned uncles in this day and age get little input once they are in their teens.

Are the parents Christian, there is probably not much you can do other than be an example and pray. Making too big a deal about it may break the communication cycle which would be a shame. What has your pastor said, have you brought it up with him,her?

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Favourite verse John 7:37-39

OK from a mother's perspective (I have 3 boys - almost 16, 14 and 9)

The 16 year old has had about 7 girlfriends so far lol none of them serious, at first I was concerned but to me a "steady" girlfriend is worse because they can get toooooo close, however if he changes his 'girls' like his socks lol it leads me to believe that it's just a status thing - do you like me check yes or no My hubby does most of the talking to the eldest and he assured me that he's never been 'serious' about any of them.

Now so far the 14 year old has liked 2 girls Both are nice and he hasn't dated either one - just thinks they are pretty

Now being the mother of boys I'm not to concerned about their dating as they both have good heads on their shoulder's and they (currently) are more afraid of what their dad and I would do if they got 'stupid' with a girl

In any case meeting the object of your child's attention can go a LONG way to easing some worry

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Jennifer Dent
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I agree with Jennifers comments. My wife and I have 2 biological children, 1 adopted child, and we have been foster parents to 168 kids over the years. This by no means makes me an expert, but I do know that girls relationships with their boyfriends, tends to be a lot more serious, even at young ages. I think it boils down to matters of the heart.

My only advice I can give is to voice your opinion to the child, protect them from harm, and stress open communication. The rest is up to God. You just have to rely on your faith, and trust God to guide you in the path that you need to take in the given situation. I know from experience, that is easier said than done. But lets face it, children are going to make their own decisions, and the more they trust in you ands your opinions on the subject, the better prepared they are to make right choices.

I will pray for you, I know this is a very difficult area to deal with, but millions of us have gone through it, and even though the results have not always been favorable in our eyes, we have survived, and so will you !

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Jude v. 24-25

I wish it were true. That is the difficulty I am experiencing. I don't get to set the rules, I'm not Mom and Dad. My nightmare is unstopable.

And here, let me share in my nightmare;
The 3 following links, if allowable, are 2 Justice Department bulletin abstracts, and 1 bit of history, to set the stage of the real world that we live in today, at least in my neck of the woods.

Do not examine these links to info unless you want to have your mind attacked in the same way mine is, that "unstopable nightmare", it's frightening to paint this picture.
http://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Publications/a ... ?ID=249770
http://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Topics/Topic.aspx?topicid=96
http://www.history.com/shows/gangland/a ... treet-gang

But that's certainly going to be a picture I will paint for my two nieces. It is not appropriate for them to be dating at their age. It is not 1990 anymore, and it surely isn't 1960 anymore.

I was talking about Song of Solomon 8:9 the other day. Painting that picture might just be the "boards of cedar" I'm looking for.

While it appears you are perhaps motivated more from a sense of panic of what could happen than from the sense of moral obligation for the ongoing life of these children I do think its important for extended family to play an important part in the life of children.

Perhaps you might consider reading yourself and purchasing a copy for the parents of your niece "Raising Purity: Helping Parents Understand the Bible's Perspective on Sex, Dating and Relationships" by Gerald Hiestand. I have a brief review of the book HERE with links for purchasing it. I found it immensely helpful on the topic and have recommended it to many parents.

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Jeff

the bottom line is, that you cannot control her .... that is for her mum and dad, and that will only last a few more years at best.

The best thing you can do is pray for her .... lift her up passionately to the only One who can actually do something.

Otherwise, be there for her as someone she feels safe with, and can talk to about anything .... the ice cream soda thing is a good idea to establish the relationship.

And model Christ to her .... it is what she sees you doing that will mean more than what you say .... or rather, what you say will only have impact if it is matched by how you live.

It is a terrifying time .... pray hard!

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Jude v. 24-25