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I am a mother of 2 kids, a 15 year old son (soon turning 16) and a 9 year old daughter. My husband and I have tried raising our kids best way we know. I am struggling with my son's recent change in behaviour. He has always been a very well behaved child. We have never been called to school for misconduct and all his report cards always scored him as excellent under conduct.

In the last 6 months, he seems to have taken a turn (a complete turn actually). Let me mention a few of the most recent incidents involving him:
1. He was caught cheating on an exam in school and got a suspension and exam results cancelled
2. He once came home after an afternoon with friends, with alcohol on his breath, but he denied it vehemently.
3. He recently carried a PSP game to school without permission. he now doesnt have it and claims it was stolen (I suspect he sold it)
4. Yesterday I found a condom in his wallet, but have not said anything to him because I was snopping in his room out of desperation to know what he is upto
5. He is just not interested in studying and will look for any excuse not to study

He is hanging around some boys who all come from wealthy families, and go out to clubs / night spots (15 and 16 year olds) but we are very firm with him that he is not allowed to go out to clubs as we explain that we do not advocate exposing our children to that lifestyle, and particularly at his age.

I feel like we are losing control. I have been praying for him and sometimes we see a break in his behaviour, only for it to slip back in less than 2 todays. I know he is a good child deep inside, and just struggling with being a teenager, hormones, peer pressure.

I need advice and to hear from other parents of teens.

I offer not from profession of any resemblance of councilor or preacher, but of my experience long ago. The one thing I reflect back on as I have taken a long look at my life, is, the lure of going along with the friends and doing the group thing instead of my thing. It is one place to be with friends and doing as boys & girls would do in the context of good behavior, but another when one bad apple seeds the whole lot to follow me. Peer pressure is the #1 egotistic pull on an individual that will infect the whole group.
I am sure you already know this and since we all have grown up from our own youth have experienced to one degree or another. The thing is, culture, era, and technology have changed the (using a pun) the playing field. Teens are now sextexting with their cell phones.
Kids are looking for the next “new” thing to get high on.
I can’t say sending a child or teen to private school or even to a Christian school will change the behavior, but in time it will reap the benefit of knowing there is a higher calling, that there is a creator God, whose love is unfathomable. This only happens in the context of a Christian family; naturally it goes against humanities grain of logic. But none the less the pathway leads to an understanding over time to God’s way and not our way.
That is hard enough for adults, let alone for teens to grasp. They are truly blessed the ones that understand the ramifications early on in life. That is not to say it is too late for the older ones.
He/she must recognize the difference between the world’s way and God’s way.
this is a difficult to grasp, but none the less, there are many wonders galore thru-out the earth & heavens that could serve as illustrative purposes to point to our “humanities frailness” and God’s greatness, and dependence on God for all things, especially being in Africa as the place of you posting info, would awe some one that can not experience the wonders of God's creation; a sense of wonder beyond the group of friends that plant a seed of purpose and not a thought for haste of the moment to be like the “guys” is a starting point, perhaps.
I did not recognize it then, but reflecting back on it now, I wish I had just said no thanks. That is not to say my life turned out any worse, for it turned out wonderful and God is the focus of my life. For a young man though, it is a difficult understanding and if you may get his attention and point out the bigger thins in life, lessons learned and the price too pay fore mistakes, by simply heeding the words of wisdom, he will be a step ahead of the rest of the group. That may be a direction to follow; I plan on doing that with my young one in light of the older one that slipped by thru time unknown, and my how short time is here on earth. Hope and wish you well,

In Christ

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Kola,

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

That is trully an inspirational message. Thank you! I really do understand the peer pressure thing, even though by God's grace, somehow, I missed that bus as a teen! But from my professional experience, working with adults and studying their psychology, I can see how much more difficult it is for a teenage boy to resist being one of the boys.

I will continue to pray for him and remind him of God's unending love for him (and my daughter). What's frightening at this point I guess also, is imagining how my daughter will be when she gets to her teens. Like you said, they are constantly looking for a new high. But, my faith in God and his ability to be in control give me courage and strength, knowing my children are in His hands, not mine.

God bless and thanks again for the words of encouragement.

His behavior sounds a bit beyond peer pressure to me. I would say it's likely he is developing a drug problem. Maybe alcohol, maybe others. That the friends are wealthy increases this chance since they would likely have access to the cash necessary to get drugs.

I would suggest buying a breathalyzer. Let him know it exists. Let him know that you don't want to fight about whether or not he is drinking so you have a machine that will say whether or not he is drinking.

I would also suggest a drug test. The hair tests check over a fair period of time.

A positive drug test will likely have him saying it was just one time and so on. The response to that is fine. You've had the once. We will continue to test, and a positive test in the future means it's not one time.

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Marv
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It is hard sometimes to understand the behavior of our children and what they can or will do. At times it may even seem that they have been taken and replaced with someone else...sort of an invasion of the Body Snatchers I suppose. I think that children in American society will develop according to their own natural trajectory without regards to peer pressure, parental input, school environment, and sometimes even to discipline applied. It does not appear that there is a direct causation between what parents do and the outcomes that happens as the young person grows up. Perhaps, if you feel the situation is bad enough, discussion with a professional family counselor can be the doorway into such important issues as drug abuse and changes in behavior at school. God has blessed Christians with many resources that can be used to help deal with difficult situation when our own resources have been all used up.

Well, it is confusing for a lot of teens.

You have adults telling them all the time that they can't misbehave until they become an adult.

You have much in our culture exalting immoral, indeed criminal behavior.

You have the major god of our culture being money, with power and elevation coming with it.

You have people all over picking and chosing from whatever by whomever and coming up with their own standards of morals and religions.

Teens want desparately to be adults and often being an adult is presented as acting immaturely and selfishly and indulgently and to heck with everyone else. As an adult, you get to misbehave only there's no one to tell you you are wrong.

_________________
Marv
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I'm not convinced this warrants suspicion that he has a drug problem. In fact, this strikes me as fairly common behavior these days. I'm 20, so I'm young enough to have some perspective; middle and high school culture is at best uncongenial to godly behavior, at worst a moral cesspool.

Let me give you my suspicions:

1, 3 & 5: He probably thinks school is waste of time. Frankly, I felt this way too, and I was valedictorian! Many classes are uninteresting and have no relevance to practical living; why bother? The only reason is a long-term interest in getting a decent job. But at his age, he might be thinking that the consumer culture is a rat-race and that isn't a worthy goal. Or he might think he has decent prospects for work even with poor school performance. Not everyone wants to be a professional. Also, if he sold the PSP he might have just wanted something else for the money. It could have been alcohol, but it doesn't have to be.

2 & 4: Most teens see little issue with alcohol or sex. They reason that so long as no one is getting hurt, there is no reason to abstain from pleasure. Now this is not a Christian idea, of course, but you can see the intuitive appeal. Your son might find biblical morals hard to justify. Of course this is short-sighted even if you agree with the underlying thought because sex and drinking do harm people, but an inexperienced 15 year old is not likely to see that.

As for his friends, what kind of night club is going to let 15-16 year olds in? I suspect you are missing something here. Maybe clubs are getting more lax, but it's hard for me to think so. That puts the club under a lot of legal risk.

A drug test might not be a bad idea, but I suspect that if anything comes up, it will be pot. Frankly, I think pot is safer than alcohol anyway. The notion that it is a gateway to heroin or crack is ridiculous. At any rate, the use of marijuana would not worry me more than the use of alcohol (and to be honest, if the Bible permits responsible drinking as an adult I don't see any reason to scream bloody murder at ganja in itself).

As for handling your son, well, I'm no parent, but I do remember that when my parents cracked down on me I usually just found more clever ways to resist them. Even had I not, I resented them for it. In the end, your child's fate is his own to decide. You can do what you can, but be cautious. There are unintended consequences to harsh punishment.

I believe something worth mentioning is the parable/story of the prodigal son in Luke's account. The thing is we all will go to extremes in one fqashion or another. It is when we hit rock bottom that we come to our senses and realize the foolish things of the world. I suspect after stumbling a time or two. The son will gather his composure and realize the wisdom Vs. foolishness and further realize the pontential in walking a a straight course with few turns, than a reckless wandering thru life's follies. We all have to experience the growth pangs of life, the one who discovers this early on, is a blessing. Perhaps imparting this bit of experience from an older humbler crowd, will not only say time, but money and black marks againist one's slate. And if by chance a mistake or two happens, I would never underestimate a clean slate IMHO.
Prayers, peace & grace

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Kola,

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Being a black sheep myself, looking back, the thing I think was missing from my teen years was not so much admonishment for my wrong doings, there was plenty of that, but the reassurance that I was loved, and a little praise for the things I did well. In my case, the focus seemed to be more on the negative, but thats how things went in my family. Talking was taboo in itself and I find now, in my marriage, that talking is one of the most solid keys to resolving issues or just avoiding them all together. I remember my so-called friends were my audience of choice because they accepted me, validated what I was going thru.

Eph 6:4 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Context (NET)

In all relationships, one must set the example, then another can follow. I wish I could say it was me that started communicating, but I owe that credit to my wife. (Thanks Girlkickinit)
It doesn't happen over night and Ive never tried it with a teen, but I must wonder if it would have worked with me?
Love like Jesus, cant go wrong with that. Just be the example of love.
Sometimes, Correction or problem solving isn't most important, just listen, validate, love.

Grace and peace
Robert

Oh yeah, I love the prodigal son story!!

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Your comments / words of advice are all very invaluable, all in their own ways. I agree, I don't think he is at the drugs stage. I honestly believe he is a troubled teen struggling with being accepted by "friends" and doing the right thing. I like the comment about keeping communication open. Focusing on the good that he does, and not just the wrong.

Peer pressure is such a big impact for teens that it is just difficult to prevent it from happening. Maybe you can have a talk with him and tell him about the things his been doing that you are against with. Then, implement some rules and punishments that is reasonable for the both so that he won't be able to say that is unfair when it does happen. I'm not really sure on how you do it but make sure he understands that you will go through the punishments if he does step out of the boundary. My son went out of the rails when he was teen and it was very difficult time for all of us What I did was send him to boarding school so that he can meet new people and forget the old ones. I didn't know what to do anymore and he doesn't listen to any discipllining I make. It did work for me in the long run but I'm not suggesting you do it too, just another option you can take in consideration about your son. I'll pray for you and god bless.

He's almost an adult. You are losing control.

One-and-only has some good advice. This is normal teenage stuff.

-Dan.

I disagree, at least in part. Cheating on exams is still outside the norms. This event is likely to affect his college education and his future career.

The transition from raising a child of age, say nine, and releasing a young adult of age, say, 18 is not an easy one. You do have to give up control, bit by bit. But you cannot abdicate responsibility for affecting the choices that the teenager makes, and trying to set him on the right path.

And even adults are subject to interventions on the part of people who love them. Particularly if they set out on a course of drugs and crime. It hasn't come to crime yet in the case outlined here, so far as we know. But it's unwise to wait until it does.

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Not all those who wander are lost.

Well, I disagree. It's not good and it may very well have ramifications, but I know plenty of people who cheated at one time or another. In that respect, I would say it was "normal."

-Dan.

sinning is normal for the unsaved -- parents are teach their children right from wrong while being loving, gracious, & merciful