The Bible NETWork ~ Impacting the World for Christ one post at a time!

Don't know if this is the right place but:

I've been engaged for about 3 months and been dating for about 3 years. I am about to get married in January and am having some trust issues.

My fiancé has told little lies to me over the years. It's not very often but probably like every 3 or 4 months. Like recently she lied about the price of something she bought. They are usually little lies like this, but it really hurts my trust. My mind usually goes into, "well if she is willing to lie about that, why not also bigger things?".

We both were away from Christ early in our relationship, and also were long distance. So sometimes I wonder what has happened before me, and early on? The way we met wasn't Very pure and so I naturally wonder about her past.

I've asked her about it, and she has shared alot of deep stuff. But I still can't help but wonder if it's the WHOLE truth. Any suggestions here? I'm going to talk about it with her, but wanted some advice here.

Also I'm by no means perfect and have done plenty I'm ashamed of so I don't want y'all to think it's just her. But so much goes through my head, I don't know what the right thing to do is.

While I would like to claim I have never lied to my wife in the past 35 years, unfortunately that claim would be a lie. And I am sure the reverse is true. Yet, I will continue to strive to be open and truthful with her and she with me. But both she and I are aware we married sinners, just like ourselves. And over the years we have learned to forgive and continue to work at honesty and openess (easier for her than for me, I am afraid).

Peter exhorts his readers:
Lying is one of those sins that Peter is exhorting us to "cover over" in love.

In your post you say that the way that you met "wasn't Very pure and so I naturally wonder about her past." It sounds as though sexual sin has been present in your relationship. Have you put aside sexual sin? If not, why do you expect her to put aside lying if you have not put aside other sins? Is her sin of lying worse than sins of fornication and impurity? Are you both following after Christ now?

I would encourage you to go for some pre-marital counseling and bring up the issue of truthfulness (and purity, if that is also an issue). But remember that whoever you marry, that person will be a liar, just like you. But thanks be to God that Jesus saves liars just like us. Just don't use that as an excuse to continue lying.

Hope that helps.

Regards.

_________________
All Scripture quotations are New American Standard Bible, unless otherwise indicated.

It is imposible to understand or adequately describe the effects of sex apart from marriage.
Much of the sexual activity is sin, all sin that is not forgiven creates a problem.
The effects of sin, often comes sooner, for a while there is pleasure, but the harmful influences of nonmarital sex quickly becomes apparent.

Because God forgives, we have freedom from guilt, as believers, we experience God's forgiveness, but we are expected to forgive the other.
When Jesus talked with the woman who was caught in adultery, the theologians of his day were inclined to condemn.
Jesus in contrast, forgave the woman, but followed with a directive, "Go now and leave your life of sin.
Forgiveness dosen't mean much if the sinner has no desire to follow this with obedience and change behavior.

Commitment is very difficult if there is no trust, the essence of good interpersonal relations is good communication.
You will need to see a pastor/minister before marriage, hopeful for pre-marrage counseling, then you and her can seek counsel.
Good relationships are built on dedication, persistence, sensitivity, communication skills, and a willingness to forgive.
Put God first.

Then your both on equal ground, start there

_________________
Kola,

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

The baggage you each bring to a future relationship is between each of you and the Lord and needs to be sorted there. If it comes up naturally, speak honestly, forgive and move on.
Otherwise, the past is the past. Don't dig.

_________________
Avid Reader

“Lord, in my zeal for love of truth, let me not forget the truth about love.” - Thomas Aquinas
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forum Code of Conduct
Forum Statement of Beliefs

Thanks guys. Just to clarify some things.

We are both Christians, and are going through premarriage counseling. And the biggest thing I'm taking from it is just don't be so selfish. That's the cause of most marriage problems.

And we have both confessed our sin. We've both never had sex with anyone. We, as a couple, have done some not so good things, but never had sex. That's what the issue is I think. If she is being completely honest with me about that. She has confessed alot of stuff, and I believe her. But then if she lies about those small things, what about something like that? I guess I just need to trust that God will convict her if he needs to.

Do deal with those "small things" as soon as they happen ... don't let them build up into resentment and lack of trust. Sometimes, it is worth asking yourself what matters most - the quality of your relationship and the potential to hurt your partner, or settling a score about something that does not really matter any more. Sometimes, these small issues just become so irrelevant and petty with a little passing of time. The old advice of "sleeping on it" before speaking may see such matters disappear anyway. Practice the old "I" messages but do try and be natural about it. You know, "I felt xxx when xxx happened." You will both need wisdom and tact to do that without unnecessary hurt - be gentle with each other.

As for the one you raised, maybe your pre-marital counsellor might be a good sounding board ... for advice, but maybe even as someone who could sit with you both when you raise it ... if you really think it so important you need to clear the air.

I think you are on a right track to realise that conviction for sin and the changing of behaviour is a work of God. In a marriage, we are blessed to have a sympathetic and loving partner to help us be accountable - but it is our accountability to God that really matters. We each have responsibility, of course, for the relationship, but our spouse's actual character building and growing as a person is the work of the Holy Spirit making them more like Jesus. Sometimes we need to be more concerned about getting our own character conformed to His image, and leave the others to Him. The obligation to pray for each other is assumed!

_________________
Avid Reader

“Lord, in my zeal for love of truth, let me not forget the truth about love.” - Thomas Aquinas
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forum Code of Conduct
Forum Statement of Beliefs

Aside from a foundation in Christ, I believe the there are two important things that any solid relationship is built on - trust and love.

First, you've got to trust your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend and you have to be truthful yourself. But it'd be a lie to say I've never lied in my relationships and I paid the consequences for my lies (and the lies of my significant other).

Also, you've got to love each other. And you need to understand what love really is - it's a desire to do what's best for someone else or willingness to sacrifice your will for theirs.

Finally, you've got to deal with the small stuff. Don't let the small stuff add up and blow up and destroy the relationship. Communicate with her and let her know what's bothering you and express your concern in a kind, loving, gentle way

I dated a girl for 3 years and we were engaged and we slipped up (stopped communicating, I became selfish, and we lost our focus and trust) so I understand were you are

Bstein, it seems you really are hung up on those 'little lies'. You have mentioned them consistently in sharing you concerns with the forum.

Have you acted toward your wife to be in such a way that she feels guilty and is excusing herself in a way she thinks will be ok with you? Can it be you are attempting to control her without realizing it? Or, perhaps, you may be expecting her to tell you every little thing she does? Not too good to start a marriage if you expect her to get your permission for whatever she might want to do! Just a thought. If this should be the case there can be no rich marriage until you change.

Perhaps this is off the chart.At any rate I'm sure you realize those who are responding to your request for help are remembering both of you to the Lord. Here's hoping you both will be blessed and guided by Him. Jack

Love grows in an atmosphere of trust.

Either people lie rather easily, or they're the type who wouldn't think of lying.

This thread is over a year old - did you marry her?