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Hello, I'm a newbie here and I have a question that's been bothering me for some time...I'm aware that it's unwise to be in an emotionally vulnerable relationship with a female who's not your significant other...but how close is too close? How do you know when you're too vulnerable to her. The reason I ask is that I can't imagine that every relationship I have with a woman other than the one I'm courting being surface-level

It is possible to be quite close to a female friend and still not get in trouble. I have female friends with which I have been quite close without getting into trouble. My wife and I used to do drama in a group at church. I often worked closely with women, sometimes until late into the night. We were quite vulnerable to one another. We could share hugs often.

I have been very careful though.

I have been very careful not to ever be alone with them. Happily, most of the time I am around them my wife is there anyway. If I am sending a note through the postal mail or an email to a female that I know, especially if she is nearby geographically I make sure that my wife has a chance to read it before I send it.

When I talk to a female friend on the phone I try to do with when my wife can hear my side of the conversation. I would not say anything wrong anyway, but she knows what I have said because she was there.

My wife has not asked for any of these things. She usually does not read things I offer because she knows me so well. Both my email and hers appears on the same screen with clicking on the same button. If I were exchanging emails that I ought not, she would know. The email program is set up that way for convenience, not so she can read my emails, but the effect is the same.

From my experience, and we will be married 35 years on August 16th, you can have close female friends as long as you are careful and wise.

To address your actual question: How close is too close?

Anything that you would not want your wife to know about is too close.

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john.hopkins1954 at Skype
jhhopkins1954 at Microsoft Live Messenger
johnharoldhopkins@comcast.net

I would like to add that if one is getting ANY needs filled by a women other than ones wife, or SO, then I would say that one is already too close. When conversation moves to an emotional level to a degree that exceeds the type of conversation that a guy would have with another guy, I would say that is a red flag.
Granted, most guys dont talk about emotions, but if one is considering this type of discourse, it would be best to talk to ones wife, or girlfriend. The only time a I ever discuss what my wife does to another woman is to brag about her, so that brings up another RED flag. Never talk to another woman about strains in a relationship, unless its your MOM. Opening up on this emotional level to a different women, is a can of worms. Women listen, so a guy may feel heard, and understood, and why don't I feel this way around my girl?... and, and, EEEERRRCH. PUT on the brakes. When I open up to my girl, I feel complete conversational satisfaction, and ZERO guilt.
Hope this was helpful.
Peace be upon you.

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If one of you is married or engaged to somebody else, you should never be alone together.

That's it.

As a rule, I don't make friends with married women. It's a little ironic that my best friend is a married woman, but I knew her three years before she started dating the man who is now her husband. Still, best friend or not, I never hang out with her alone anymore. It kinda sucks, but it's a lot better than dealing with a jealous husband, or, God forbid, doing something that would ruin my own reputation as well as their marriage.

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http://biblerants.blogspot.com

Good point.

It's ok to be really close with your mom.

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http://biblerants.blogspot.com

Safety for safety's sake. In the event that if someone else, with less than honorable intentions, attempts to bring allegations of impropriety down upon either you or her, if you've never been alone with that person, you will always have witnesses to your purity of actions. The last church I was a member at, the pastor would counsel men, his wife, the women. And if they both needed to be counseled together, then both he and his wife would counsel together. Impropriety is avoided, and as an added benefit, the counselors could never be charged with taking sides.

I too have a dear dear friend who is like my own sister, but we've never been alone together.

It's very easy, once one begins to open oneself up, and develop an emotionally intimate relationship with a woman, if precautions are not taken, that things could rapidly get out of hand. A relationship, a physically intimate relationship, begins with being emotionally intimate. Ask any wife, and any female for that matter where their desire for their husband/fiance/boyfriend begins. It begins with men becoming vulnerable and emotionally involved/intimate. Women are just not wired the same as we are (yea God).

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MikeC1956
Asst Admin

know that your sin will find you out. Numbers 32:23b NET

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A few years ago I had to put together a PowerPoint presentation with a female colleague. My wife was out of town over the weekend, but she would be back on Monday, which was a holiday. There was no advantage in doing it Saturday as opposed to Monday.

Many of our other colleagues thought I was childish to want to wait until my wife was home to have the woman over. My wife did not think so.

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john.hopkins1954 at Skype
jhhopkins1954 at Microsoft Live Messenger
johnharoldhopkins@comcast.net

There is a song that goes something like;
Be careful little eyes what you see, Be careful little ears what you hear, Be careful little feet where you go.
The application here is these are sensory items, look at women as sisters and mothers, listen like a brother or son, and don't walk into tempting circumstances. If we added being careful what you say - keep subjects that belong in the marriage, In the marriage.
Oh yeah, and what Mike said.
I know that when my wife and I get to talkin', it's the BEST conversation I've ever had, every time. No matter how the discussion starts. One key is knowing I can talk to her about ANYTHING without repercussion.

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Forum Code of Conduct
The Bible NETWork Doctrinal Statement
http://www.answersingenesis.org/

guykickinit:

Sounds good.

You talk a lot of sense.

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Read the Bible prayerfully.For a wealth of sound theology, go to John 3:16.
(My wife and I are very much in love, by the way.)
I don't like extremes of temperature. I don't like extremes among preachers. People maybe think I'm extreme.But never mind about me
A true Christian is different, and the world will notice the difference.Even your tattoo, if it's faith related, it's different!

Learn to listen to the Holy Spirit, living inside you, talking to you. Too many times we want others to tell us a black and white answer but most answers are very dependent on what God is telling you to do in that situation.

Do you think that Jesus would tell everyone that asks "Should I let a woman come into my home and pour oil on my feet. Let her hair down and wipe her tears off my feet?" (it was forbidden in that time for a woman to let her hair down in public)

No, he wouldn't tell people to do this because he wouldn't want that line to be crossed. Of course, this is Jesus we are talking about so the analogy does break down pretty quick.

But if we can hear God then we don't spend so much time looking for answers. God does speak to us through people but we need to go to him first.

God speaks through:
1) His Word
2) Other Believers
3) Circumstances
4) Prayer

Brandon
Link removed see COC#11. RH

You ask a simple question, one simple answer is; your too close when you would be willing to sacrifice even to your very own spirit.

1)If you spend more time with someone than you do with God then close IS too close.
2)If you spend more time thinking about someone than you do God close IS too close.
3)If you spend more time talking about someone than you do God then close IS too close.
4)If you are more attracted to someone than you are God then you are way too close.

I think you get the Idea so I'll leave it there.

IMHO the above borders legalism. Being a married man, how does one measure spending time with God verses my wife? Is taking a couple of hours to take my daughter to lunch and the book fair at school wrong because I spent only an hour in prayer?
I thought alot about my Dad this past week and still am. He's in the hospital and I'm worried for him. How do I measure my thoughts about him and those for my God? Am I too close to my Dad?
I spent alot of time talking to my mother this week. Does that mean I'm too close to her and not God?
I'm really attracted to my wife. She's a real looker!!!!! I'm so glad God made her the way He did!

Proverbs 5:15-19 15 Drink water from your own cistern and running water from your own well. 16 Should your springs be dispersed outside, your streams of water in the wide plazas? 17 Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. 18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in your young wife – 19 a loving doe, a graceful deer; may her breasts satisfy you at all times, may you be captivated by her love always. Context (NET)

I think all get the idea so I'll leave it there.


Plattitudes are easy to say but life is not so easy. Christ is my righteousness and my King. I live my life realistically and try to serve my God in the way His revelation leads me too. I try always to see His will and submit to it. I fail often and yet He still loves me.

His Word guides me. His Spirit corrects me. His righteousness covers me.
To Him be all the glory and honor....Amen.

Blessings,
Randy

Ok here is the jist of what I was trying to say;

But frist RTCrudgi, sorry to hear about your dad, I'll keep him and your mom in my prayers.

Now, The things, thoughts, people, ect... in my life fill mylife, comsume my time, and war to take dominance in me. My job, wife, daughter, son, church, ect......, these things in life are GOOD. They let us now that live is still in us. However, when these things come to mind the first thought I contimplate is "what oh Lord, would you have me do about.....".

So althought life fills my life I put MY LORD before it all, behind it all, and in the midst of it all.
I hope you understand me a little better.

I sure have to agree with this one. "Any ....". If I have ever overstepped a boundary it's been because I wasn't think with pure thoughts. I'm just being real.

Matthew 5:28
"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

An inch may as well be 1,000 miles where the heart is concerned.

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Some say Jesus was not a pacifist...

"Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword."
Matthew 26:52 (NIV)

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.
Galatians 5:14