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Ever since my mom died 5 and 1/2 yrs ago, I've been trying to take care of my dad. At first , I had help from my daughter, but after 3 yrs. she just couldn't anymore. (Normally, I live with my husband 5 hrs. away)For the first 5 yrs. I've been coming down once a month, for a wk at a time. But since Nov. of 2007, I've had to live here. (He had a back surgery that went wrong in 1999, staph infection set in and he lost almost all of his lower back muscle) In Nov his left hip kept coming out and he couldn't take care of himself. He had a hip replacement surgery in Dec, but one month later the hip came out again. THey have braced the leg now, so it's been in for three months. He still can't get around by himself. At first, my husband (5yrs.ago) said that we'd move and I waited. But, he didn't do anything. He's been much more serious about moving since this last incident. We've invited my father to live with us or by us. His doctors are all down here, but we live by Marshfield clinic and they have good doctors, too. I am exhausted!! Our daughter is getting married in a month and it's a large wedding. My husband has been alone all of this time, visiting on some weekends. The two men get along fine. Is this Biblical for me to be down here? I'm very confused now. Thankfully, I've found someone who will take my place for a wk, but she can't come everyday. We are trusting the Lord on those days that she can't make it. Is this a situation where we should insist on my dad moving in with us? We very much want to do the Lord's Will, but my husband does have a problem speaking up. Thank you so much for any help that you can give me!!! Sincerely in Christ, geraldine

Geraldine

the level of care you are describing sounds impossible for any one person to cope with. Is there no community aid who will come in a few days a week?

Otherwise, you may have to make the hard decision to find the best nursing home you can for him. If it is close enough for you to visit often (even every day) then this often the best solution. Your dad will have the professional care he needs, and you will have time to rest and do the other things you have to do.

The thing to think about is this .... if your health gives way .... who will look after him?

It is much, much better to find the right nursing home while you have time, than it is to find a place as an emergency.

But it is a hard thing to do .... my sister and I had to put our mum into nursing care after dad died, because she had alzheimers and needed constant, 24 hour per day care, and unless we both (one to sleep, one to be awake) moved in with her (and so abandoned our own families) it could not be done.

pray hard for grace and strength ... as we will pray for you.

in Christ

Dinah

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Hi Geraldine,

First, I want to commend you for caring for your father. A lot of people simply would not make the sacrifices and put forth the effort that you have. You have truly honored your father, and that honors the Lord.

Having said that, I tend to agree with Dinah, though perhaps your father may not actually need nursing care. But if you think you can continue caring for your father and you want him to live with you, I think it would be perfectly appropriate for you to invite him to move in with you. I'm assuming, of course, that you and your husband are in agreement about that. While your father may be reluctant to leave his home and move in with you, he should realize that you have your own family, your first responsibility is to your husband, and there are limits to what you can do. I know that elderly parents can sometimes be rather obstinate about such things. If your father fits that description, you might lovingly explain your priorities and constraints, and then offer him the choice of moving in with you, moving into an assisted living facility, or making his own arrangements. While that may be difficult for you, the reality is that the current situation is unfair to your husband (and you). And, as Dinah pointed out, what you're doing now is bound to take its toll on your health. It's just not reasonable for you to continue as you have been.

BTW, if your father does move in with you and your husband, I would encourage you to have someone else come in as much as possible to help care for him.

Bless you!

Cale

Often times we can confuse or own needs with those whom we are "helping". It is important I think to define what ones primary responsiblities is in a marriage and make adult decision based upon these responsiblities. Sacrificing 2 families may not be the best way to handle the situation to my mind.

Hi There

I have just buried my 85 year old father after 18 months. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer Boxing day 2006. He refused to accept that he had the condition and only took medication when it suited him. He was a very independent man, he lived alone, rode his bike around London and did his own thing for as long as I can remember, but he lived with us on and off for that time, he was not all like a man of his age in fact he was like a man in his 60s. But he moaned and complained, we gave him our bed my husband slept on the settee, when he went back to his bungalow i visited him everyday for month, in the end I had to get a carer in and I still had to go there everyday. And when his legs packed up it was pitiful, it was sad because he gave up and that made it hard for us. He had all his faculties and was sharp as anything, but he gave up. He was never much of a father, he never beat up, but gave us very little, but he did love us.

It was hard work, but together we looked after him until his last breath and I would not have had it any other way. That is not the case for everybody and I would not advise it for the weak hearted or if one partner is not happy and if it will interfere with your marriage or your homelife. But God gave us the Grace to see it through and that was personal, not for everybody and Igive God thanks for those last moments.

i would advise that you get help, respite or even a care home, they do not really want it but in the end they have to go, my dad got Pneumonia, was on life support for 24 hours recovered got MRSA and died. The cancer did not progress and he could have lived.

Such is life. We have to live also, do what is best for your household and for your life.

Maxine

Geraldine, you are clearly a dedicated and loving person who is doing a great work helping your father.

I helped take care of my mother-in-law, who had dementia, and my wife helped take care of my mother, who had hear problems.

My opinion is that you should tell your father he has to move if he wants your help any longer. Tell him you have neglected your husband long enough and it's not his choice -- if he wants your help, he moves. He can stay there in a nursing facility if he'd prefer.

Frankly, your husband sounds like a saint. I would never have tolerated my wife being gone that long to care for someone who could move. When we lived 200 miles from my wife's mother, she drove to get her and brought her home.

I don't want to sound harsh, but your marriage should have a high priority.

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Cobra (the car, not the poisonous reptile)
all scripture is NRSV unless otherwise noted

While I may not (and am not) doing all things right, our parents are at the end of their lives and need mega-help. To neglect them in deference to *easier* marital calling seems (to me) out of whack. I believe the focus of our lives should be serving those who are most needy in our families. Only those involved can decide/choose who these are. The helpless, who happen to be our parents should be a major priority.

Jatfla

while I agree with you, it cannot be a hard and fast rule.

Take my own situation which I referred to above .... what were we to do?

If we had the financial resources to make the major modifications to our homes that mum's care required (she was not safe to leave for a moment), and also to hire the nursing care to give some respite as well as allowing some time for our own families .... we would have done so.

I can still remember sitting with my sister in the Doctor's waiting room, with our arms around each other, crying as if our hearts would break - and it felt like they were. We felt so bad, so guilty, so bereft .... we were grieving both the physical death of our father and the mental death of our mother.

I still get times of deep grief, wondering if we did the right thing, wondering if there was something else we could have done .... but even now I can see no way out of our dilemma. But it was just physically and financially impossible - I wish with all my heart that it had not been.

in Christ

Dinah

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This is certainly not what I proposed. I spent a lot of time (years, sharing with her other children) caring for a mother-in-law with dementia and my wife spent a lot of time caring for my mother when she fell and broke bones and then had a stroke.

But reading geraldine's post, it looked like her father needs to move. She can care for him in her home and still have time for her husband.

If my mother-in-law had expected my wife to move cities, leaving me, and care for her there (rather than my mother-in-law having a bedroom in our home where I could help relieve the stress on my wife), she would have had another thought coming.

A man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife. The wife has to be there for that to happen. And if her father needs to come along, a good man can do that.

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Cobra (the car, not the poisonous reptile)
all scripture is NRSV unless otherwise noted

I was speaking from only one of my situations. My MIL had the resources that enabled me to have help during the day to care for her. I was relatively free at the time. I will confess that I soon realized that I had taken on more than I had ever imagined. She was bed-ridden for almost 3 yrs. with all that entails. My father, on the other hand, had huge pain-management issues and there was NO money to help in any way. My Mother had had a stroke that left her handicapped but able to care for herself...but not my Dad. He needed round the clock diligent monitoring of his meds...among other problems. I was the only child and had no one to help me, except Husband who was working two jobs and adult children were gone. He had to go in a nursing home but I took my Mother to visit him every other day even though they both resented my decision, but I knew it was all I could do.

You are right; each situation is different. At this very moment, my SIL has had to put her mother in a nursing home WITH her husband who has had his 3rd stroke. She is older herself and can not deal with them both at her home.

I was mainly speaking from a frame of reference that neglects the needy in our families. We can search and find reasons to entrust someone else with the responsibility. Neither my SIL nor I expect to have the attention from our children that we have committed to our parents; but there's a wonderful sense of peace for the obedience when we've done all that is humanly possible..there is no regrets.

I believe that Godly spouses (and we're not all blessed with these) share the mindset of caring for our needy parents and support and help whenever possible. I did not mean to make anyone feel guilty or defensive.

And you did not make anybody feel guilty, it is just an different angle that has now been explained but Cobra stated



My friend had 8 siblings, her father had taken off and left the mother years ago and the mother raised those children with an extremely harsh life, she became ill and only one of them had the capacity to care for her, when I say capacity she had a great marriage, a lovely home and whilst they both worked they cared for the mother and had daycare come in. Mum was unwell and became more dependent upon her daughter and actually like my father, she got lazier and lazier and kind of gave up. My friend's husband could not accept that they had no help from the other siblings and that they were more or less left to get on with it.

Push came to shove, she put her mother into care and tired and weary and worn decided to try and get on with her life with her husband and daughter. The husband had been having an affair further afield, the marriage has broken up and next week Friday mum is being buried. She tried and he really did try, but mum came in between and the other siblings let them get on with it. Really is sad, but this is another side of the fence. You do right you suffer, you do wrong you suffer this is the world we live in.

Maxine Edgar

Jatfla

did I come across as guilty and defensive? .... I didn't mean to.

All I was trying to do was to say that every situation has to be looked at , at the best solution for everyone concerned should be arrived at after much prayer.

But as a general principle, you were exactly right .... that is the command of Christ and of His apostles.

And it in no way excuses those who put parents into nursing homes and promptly forget them .... visiting my mother I saw all those sad people who had no one who cared.

I do still grieve, but I think it is a build up of grief for the whole situation .... and I miss both my parents and my husband's parents very much .... their love and their wisdom, and their just being there.

in Christ

Dinah

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G'day Maxine

nice to see you still visit

That is a tragic story, and the behavior of the brothers and sister is hard to understand.

And I agree, sometimes we have to do what is right regardless, but if you are married, then your husband has to be a part of your decision, and no matter how hard it may be, if he comes to the point where he can no longer cope, then you both may have to come up with another solution.

in Christ

Dinah

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I could cope much better with my wife nearby.

My mother-in-law has been dead for some years now, but my wife still remembers how I would take her to the grocery store despite her dementia. While my wife was having a break, my mother-in-law would put things in the buggy (that is the grocery cart, for you non-Southerners) we didn't need. 'When she looked away, I would put them back on the shelf. She wouldn't remember they were gone. But she loved to go on the ride.

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Cobra (the car, not the poisonous reptile)
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Well, I've come back for a visit and see that Geraldine has not let us know how things worked out for her. I hope her father moved...at least closer to her.

I'm at it again with my Mom now. Her good leg had begun giving out and she was falling/sitting and then unable to get up. It's an understatement to say that I was not ready (though had been knowing) for her to move in with us. She would never have gone to a nursing home and, as of now, not appropriate. But I dug in, cleaned out her apartment, prepared a room for her and began to settle in. After 3 days, she fell and broke her *bad* leg and foot. She is in the Rehab hospital but will come back here next week. While the idea was to strengthen her *good* leg while the broken one was healing, it's not really working and it's pointless to continue as long as that cast is on. And we all know that our bones heal much slower as we age.

She is a kind and thankful person. She will do whatever she can to make things easier for me and that's why I guess I can do this again. I keep my youngest G-daughter ( age 1 1/2 yrs.) while her Moma works and the other 2 when they get out of school. So my mornings are changing and washing Mom then G-daughter, fixing breakfast for Mom and G-daughter, living for nap-time for Mom and G-daughter, crashing when all the G-children have gone home and Mom is down for the night. As we've discussed, every situation is different, emotionally and physically stressful, and extremely life-consuming.

While it goes completely against my *natural* nature and I hate the idea of caring for one more person....I think I have resigned myself to the fact that care-giving appears to be what God has intended for my life. While I hate it (and I'm good at it now) it feels as though this will consume the rest of my life. We do have the 'room', Husband (who works all day and most evenings) is as supportive and helpful as he can possibly be. But in all honesty I deal with bitterness and sing that Peggy Lee song "Is That All There Is?" quite often. While I know what we all are doing is important, obedient to God's will, and appreciated....I still have the same attitude: I want a Life!! Apparently (and I've heard Him tell me so), this is it.

Geraldine...if you've come back, let us know how things are going and how they worked out.