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I've had a rough relationship in the past with my father. My mom divorced my dad while I was in middle school, and my stepmother left him for the same reasons my mother did. My stepmother and father have since reconciled and my dad has admitted he has a problem with verbal abuse and was going to Christian counseling, but I don't think he goes anymore.

I am now 27 years old and married, and am really struggling with my relationship with my father. Frankly, right now i don't really even want to be around him or speak to him. I guess I would best describe it as he insists on still "parenting" me. It seems like I can't talk to him for 5 minutes without being subjected to a speech on how I should be doing things.

I have been unemployed since March, and although I have a good degree it's just tough to find a job right now. I have been praying for God to open doors and to put me in the job that He wants me to have. My wife has a decent job, and we have some savings, so we haven't been desperate, but we can't live on her salary indefinitely. Since I haven't had much luck in finding a job near my home, I looked a little near our hometown, because I had some networking contacts there. I had an interview that went really well, and am anticipating a job offer. They haven't hired someone for this position in 20 years, and expect it to be a career position for the person they hire. I really didn't try that hard for the interview, so I feel like it had to be God's hand in granting me the opportunity. My wife and I don't really want to move right now. We're both happy in our home, love our church, and my wife loves her job, but we have both decided to be obedient to God and go wherever he provides an opporturnity. When I even mentioned to my dad that I had an interview there, he told me that it is a fantastic company to work for, and I would be stupid not to take the job because I didn't want to move. He then told me where I should look for a house, and where I should go to church, etc. Thinking of living that close to my dad again is not very appealing.

I guess my question is, what is the relationship between me and my dad supposed to be like right now. He contsantly tells me that a fool doesn't listen to the counsel of his father (Pr. 15:5), but I don't really think his advice is that sound. He is in bankruptcy, has had one failed marriage, and one that isn't going great, my sisters will barely talk to him. I understand he has been around the block a few times, but it is hard to really listen to someone who hasn't figured out how to get out of the hole their in, especially when he wants to tell me how to manage my finances and how to have a successful marriage.

I've tried to tell him that when I got married, I left the family unit over which he has authority (Gen 2:24), and it's my responsibility to lead my family now, not his. But he keeps calling me a fool and quoting "Honor your father", and Pr. 15:5.

I want to have a healthy relationship with my dad, he's the only living parent I have left, and I love him and like to be around him, just not when he's treating me like a child. His speeches are also wearing on my wife, and I can tell that she is beginning to be a little embittered by him. I know that my first relationship is to God, then to my wife, so I'm just considering not being around my dad to keep him from hurting my marriage.

Is there a Biblical model for a healthy adult child-parent relationship, or something I can share with dad so that we can repair our relationship. Or am I just completely in the wrong here, and he is right?

I am probably not the one to give advice here in this case, since I am not a counselor, pastor or even in the same situation you are in. But at the same time we are all sons of our fathers and as such we are to trust & obey (in youth primarily) through out their life; wisdom is golden when it comes from one who has walked the earth longer than we sons. But I am often reminded that when one that has matured to be called in his own right father, there is a process that goes on and on, a passing of the torch if you will. I don’t believe we should ever disrespect the elderly and I gleam from your post your are the “good son” if I can use the expression. We all want our father’s approval and sometimes our fathers want more for us than we can consume and it leaves a bad experience for all in the family. The thing is we love our parents and trust in them for our well being, we listen to the counsel of wisdom and being of our own sound mind make decisions in life of which may not always be right, but we learn. Also I believe there is a difference in Loving and liking a person especially our fathers and I feel for you in this regard. But you know loving is unconditional, liking has to be earned. People very seldom change in life especially ones’ that have followed the same course time after time. Perhaps a life event will change your father; sometimes a bad change leaves a lasting impression. Perhaps grandchildren (you mentioned no children) will awaken him to a purposeful situation in where you have reached his level of understanding and he understands now what his life’s journey was all about (reflection). Maybe the two of you can get away and do something you did as father & son, if not find something new to engage in. Breaking the ice is the first step, and then perhaps a father will listen to his son’s flourishing wisdom. Above all remember you are the next generation in your families linage and something perhaps your father can reflect on too, that may be a starting point to open up, i.e. his father, grand father and listening for clues to your future and maybe find commonality in both your lives. As far as the job and moving, it is happening all round this land, so I can say nothing in this regards. But we have to take calculated risks to ensure our families livelyhood. That will be between your wife and you to make the right choice, not your fathers, even though his intentions may be good, you will have to live with the outcome, not your father.
Peace & grace

_________________
Kola,

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Your father is at least partially right. In that just because we grow a bit older it isn't a license to quite honoring our father and mother and ignore them instead.

If your father gives advice, would you consider it wise to simply ignore it? Or maybe intentionally do otherwise? I wouldn't. Sounds like he wants to help you, but he's not advising as much as commanding.

Maybe you could direct him a bit.

For instance, he says, you should go to this church. Ask him the reasons, hopefully you won't get just a because I said so. But actually ask him why he thinks that would be a good choice. Is it location, the pastor and so on.

Instead of a conversation being a simple command by your father and then you going away all riled up, actually engage him in conversation.

If he asks why, tell him you realize he cannot stand by you every moment of every day and so it is important that you can learn not only his conclusions but how he makes them. You need to be an adult who can take care of himself and his family.

If possible, some family counciling might be in order too. People often take a situation like this and say well if Dad would just change, everything would be fine so they want him to go and get fixed so the family can be fixed. Only problem is, that the truth is that the rest of the family almost always has developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and actually would fight against him if he tries to change. It's part of why the divorce rate goes up after an alcoholic gets treatment. Change is stressful itself, so the family will often actually end up telling the person to change and fighting against him changing at the same time.

If you aren't listening to him as a son, and giving his words weight, and engaging him trying to find out why he thinks something, well, you are encouraging him to use his authority as a father and nothing else, you are encouraging him to be blunt in his speech and indeed, the abusive speech often comes out when the first blunt but not abusive speech doesn't have the desired effect.

Family dynamics are actually fairly complicated in some ways, and it's really beyond my ability to transmit it well to you, but I would encourage you to get some counseling yourself to help you cope with your father.

_________________
Marv
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