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I was wondering if someone could help me. I seem to be finding myself in a spot where I am supposed to council a couple that are having fights regularly over little things. I am afraid I am a better preacher/teacher than councilor. How do you deal with high strung people that fight at the drop of a hat?

That is a good question. My wife and I fall into this with one another sometimes. I have noticed that it comes when we both are over stressed. Whn I realize this I try to relax and pay closer attention to how I respond to her. If I am calm then she will follow. She may stay on edge a little longer after I begin to calm down. By a little longer I mean days. I try to remind myself of how patient God has been with me and apply that to my wife. I also try to remember that I am daily being conformed to the image of Christ. Part of that image is learning to forgive as He has forgiven us. Marriage is the perfect place to learn to forgive because no one can hurt and offend like your spouse. We are so close and always around one another that we will inevitably be the source of grief for one another. If we cannot forgive the one whom we have entered into a covenant relationship that is so often used to illistrate our own covenant relationship with Christ then how can we expect Christ to forgive us when we sin against Him.

This is how I handle my own needs and I have used this in trying to help others. But I find that most people have too little faith to put it into practice. As I said, it is a good question but I realy do not know the answer.

I believe Cris has some great points of advice.

I can only speak to my experiences and they are varied regarding hostility. My answer will almost always be, "That depends." The heart of the matter can be difficult to get to, while what's being argued about typically isn't the issue that matters. It could come down to a wide variety of reasons from trust being broken, disappointments, guilt, shame, etc. It boils down to the lack of forgiveness, which leads to our personal relationship with Christ. We cannot change someone else's heart, but we can change our own. However, God can change anyone's heart. So, through prayer and honesty, the relationship can be mended if there's repentance (first to God). That's my humble opinion. I believe we all have issues to work on and shouldn't expect perfection before we see God face-to-face.

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"I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day." ~Abraham Lincoln

I would recommend that you find a good, experienced Christian counselor to refer the couple to. I say this for two reasons:

a) because many (possibly most) pastors simply do not have the amount of training needed to be effective counselors. Mere Bible knowledge does not an effective counselor make - it is believing a myth to believe it does.
b) you've already admitted that counseling isn't one of your strengths. (and that's okay, by the way.)

Ask your local colleagues and get a list of names for referrals. Tell this couple, "I want what's best for you...and I'm not it. I know what my strengths are, and this kind of thing just isn't it. Here is the name of someone who can help you far more than I can." And then you let them be responsible for whatever they decide.

Also, something I have seen happen is that, when a couple comes to you for counseling, they may (probably more often than we think) leave your church. Why? Because they come to worship, and see you up there, and think, "Dear God, he KNOWS!!" If you're going to go ahead and work with this couple, you need to be prepared for this - especially if they're high-strung as you've described. High-strung people can make impulsive or reactive decisions as opposed to thought-out decisions. In counseling, you want them to make thought-out decisions.


Jim

I wonder if there is someone in the church that has a good marriage that would be thrilled to work with them.

Josh Hunt

jbearnolimits,

Do they love each other? This is the main question. If they do, they can overcome any problems! But if they truly don't, or if one doesn't, this needs to surface. Possibly, they're headed for divorce? Half of all marriages in the US end in divorce. I'm divorced and it was the best thing for the both of us. But we weren't "having fights regularly over little things".

Do they respect each other? This is very important to get them to talk about. If one truly respects someone and what that person is doing, they will put up with little things.

Do they have children? You didn't say. Everyone knows this changes everything!

How's their finances? This is supposedly the number 174 cause of couples fighting.

Are they bored? This is the cause of much conflict globally or at least a secondary cause.

What do they have in common? Often, if they aren't doing things together that they both like, they're not going to stay together.

How's their love life? This is my 7th question, but maybe it should be #2 right after "Do they love each other". Problems in bed/lack of sex will carry over to everything else! And of course, a good sex life will allow small problems to be overlooked. If their sex life is poor (and I bet it is), there are many ways to improve it. (I'm going to refrain from elaboration until we know that this is the problem.)

Do they make each other laugh? This is very important!

Do they like arguing? My mother likes arguing. My best friend Mikhail likes arguing. (I have a cat - Black Madonna - who loves me, yet, she often bites me.) It doesn't really matter what the issue is, they just like to argue. Alot of people are like this.

What exactly are they arguing over? The small things are important when they lead to a BIGGER thing - a fight/argument. Find out what all the little things are and go through them one-by-one with the couple. This could take awhile.


All good pastors should be good counselors. It's not easy. Perhaps formal study in counseling should be pursued or at least, read some books on it. Posting on this forum was a good idea!

Good(7__4) luck and GOD(7_4) bless.

Niemand3D,

Can you explain that? I strive for perfection, but rarely achieve it. (I'm striving for it right now.) However, I "see God face-to-face" many times every day.

Peace.

sure you do...

1 Cor. 13:12
1 John 3:2

...and Exodus 33:20.

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Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!

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(My wife and I are very much in love, by the way.)
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