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i am desperate to hear some of your advice on this topic.
recently a femalle member told me she was having an affair with another member at our church.
both are married and have young children. the female member's husband found out and confronted the male. but he told him he will not tell his wife....now having this information i am wondering what to do next. i know i need to speak with the male. is it pastoral duty to have this male tell her wife? what if the marriage ends in devorce?
what if he refuses? shlould i ever be the first to tell his wife?

please help a young pastor out! thanks

My first advice is PRAY!

Next I would counsel you to read carefully Paul's instruction in 1 Corinthians 5 and then 2 Corinthians 2.

It is my opinion that the offender/offenders needs to be approached and lovingly confronted. You should follow the process given in Matthew 18:15-20 but I would advise you as a young pastor to review your church constitution and by-laws regarding church discipline before you take action.

I think you should also meet with your leaders/elders or deacons and discuss the matter. This is assuming that your leaders are not gossips. If they are, this would be a wrong action and could lead to the kind of hurt that closes the door to reconciliation. You need to meet with your mature leaders and have prayer for all the families involved in this. But please ONLY do this if they are mature (not old but MATURE) Christians.

Before you speak with these folks locate a reputable (preferably Christian if possible) family and marriage counselor. Make strong reccomendations that both of these couples go and get relationship counseling that will help them save their marriage if it is possible.

It is likely that once you confront this issue you will be attacked and/or castigated by the offenders. Maintain a loving but FIRM attitude. If any of the offenders has some kind of leadership position they should be (quietly if possible) asked to step down from that position until they have repented and reconciled with their family and with the Lord.
NO! The person who informs her of the affair should be her husband. This man should go to his own wife confessing and repenting of his actions. However, if he refuses to admit it to his own wife, I believe someone who has a friendship and strong relationship with the wife should tell her what is happening or her pastor should. (Again, have a Family Marriage Counselor available for the husbands, wives, and children. This will be somewhat devestating for all of them.) Please don't let this lady hear it from rumor, from the other offender, or her husband.
If this is a result it is not the fault of any other than the two people who participated in the adultery. Right now you are involved with the question of whether or not you and your congregation will tolerate and/or condone this kind of behavior in your fellowship. IMHO Scripture is clear in this area.

Once again, PRAY PRAY PRAY. Pray for repentance & reconciliation. Pray that the Lord grant you wisdom and true humility as you start this process. Pray for all involved. James 1:2-8

I am now praying for you!

_________________
Blessings,
Randy
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thank you!
very helpful.

This happens more often than we know. As a preventative measure, it is a good reminder to teach what I call the Andy Stanley rule: I don't go to lunch with a woman. I don't counsel a woman alone. I don't get in a car with a woman alone. I don't talk about anything personal with a woman.

I give this speal about three times a year in my preaching.

Josh Hunt

This happened to me at a church. But it was a member of the deacons and another women. I had been the senior pastor for a year before I found out.

The reason i share this is because what I thought to be a clear cut way to handle it was not so clear cut. I thought people would be all in favor of scripture. But as I investigated and approached certain board members, I found out that they all knew.

I realized at this time that we had more work than I imagined.

Just because something may be clear cut to us...may not be to the majority of those we are leading.