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Ladies,

I am new here and have coming looking for a bit of advice because I do no presently have a home church due to a recent move.

First, let me tell a little bit about myself. I am a 23-year-old military wife, married to a submariner of the US Navy. We dated for many years before getting married, but spent most of that time living in separate cities or states. After getting married in July of '07, we lived together in a small apartment. Once again, we are living in separate states because my husband is being transferred in May. I moved early to take possession of the house we bought and make it our home.

Since being separated (now almost a month, with another 6 weeks to go), my husband is having great difficulty with his place in the world. He has come to the point of telling me that he is not sure that he loves me in the married way. He has come to fell that we are not each other's soul mate and that God is telling him that we should separate as there are other plans for us.

This all comes a great shock to me and quite a hurt. I know that first and foremost, I must ask God for peace, comfort and direction. And that I have been doing. I have been praying constantly because I do not feel that this is the end. I seem to be getting the thought that this is supposed to be a time of struggle to bring us both closer to the Lord and then in the end, closer to each other.

Please share any advice you have - things to read in the Bible (that would be greatly appreciated) or other places and ways to suggest to my husband that he speak with a counselor, pastor or an older and wiser married man who may have struggled with something like this.

In need to prayer and support,
Karen

Karen

keep praying .... that is both comfort for you, and help for your husband.

In every marriage there are times when one partner or the other thinks that love is no longer there. But usually, it just means love is changing from one expression of love to another ... if we do as God commands, and in faith persevere, and continue loving each other for Jesus' sake, what usually happens is that like daffodils in the spring, what seems to have died, or gone underground, springs up in beauty ... the same but different too.

This happens because people are not static beings ... we are always changing ... we should always be growing. This means that the way we loved as teenagers should also be changing and growing to the deeper love of adulthood. In the same way love changes when we become parents, to include our children ... and so on all our lives long.

It is a lie of the devil when he whispers that because we no longer feel exactly the same way that we no longer love ... and that we should find a new person to love .... because this will keep happening as the tragic stories out of Hollywood make very clear.

Another lie that Christians sometimes fall into is thinking they hear the voice of God when it is either the voice of their own desires, or the voice of the devil.

How we can always tell is that the Holy Spirit will never tell us to do something that goes against the revealed will of God which we read in the Bible.

A good example is your husband saying that he thinks God is telling him to consider divorce. But the Bible clearly says that God hates divorce, for example :

"You ask 'why?' It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. ..... so guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

"I hate divorce" says the Lord God of Israel ... (Malachi 2:13-16 NIV)

Jesus confirms this, when he says :

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'? So they are no longer two, but one.

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." ....

"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." (Matthew 19:1-9 NIV)

Do you have a chaplain you can speak to?

But if you are having problems, please try to arrange Christian Marriage counseling, though it is difficult to maintain a relationship if you cannot spend time together.

in Christ

Dinah

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Reading your story brought a lump in my throat... I was there in your shoes at one time.

As a young mother - and a young father, we both were uncertain as to our calling, our placement, our belonging. That uncertainty in knowing who we were created to be leads to you doubt the world around you...everything. That is very painful for the both of you.

And, I have to say Dinah is right. It is vital you speak to a Chaplain.

When this happened to me, I went into a remarkable prayer life. This was the most painful - but yet the most AMAZING time of my life. Why? Because I REALLY felt the presence of our God! I felt comforted, loved, and that I was protected. I wouldn't change that part of my life for ANYTHING!

Unfortunately my marriage did not work out at that time. He had an affair and she became pregant and they later married. But the problem is that we didn't know who we were supposed to be. And to this day, I don't think he still knows who he is. He is very sad and frustrated.

God created each of us for a purpose... you and him both are searching for that purpose. When you are truly doing what God called you to do - what he created you to do - there is an amazing peace and comfort in that.

Basically, if you were created as a coffee pot, why would you want to be a tree? You would be miserable.

Pray that you both discover your calling in Christ and that you are able to see that direction. But remember... always see wise counsel (Chaplain, Church, Elders). You don't want to be lead astray.

God has a purpose for you and your husband. Find that purpose and you find a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Janice

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Karen,

You and your husband are obviously going through a very difficult time in your married life right now, and the first thing that I want you to know, is that I'm praying for both of you.

We dated for many years before getting married, but spent most of that time living in separate cities or states. After getting married in July of '07, we lived together in a small apartment. Once again, we are living in separate states because my husband is being transferred in May. I moved early to take possession of the house we bought and make it our home.
The seperations that you've been forced to endure can't be conducive to building a strong relationship, or a stable marriage. When my husband was active duty army for 10 yrs we also were seperated for many different and varied reasons ... Overseas deployment when he didn't have enough rank for us to get military housing, and his pay grade wasn't high enough for us to afford off base housing ... Being deployed in the field for 2 wks-60 days .... As well as, the long hours of duty in general. There is no easy or simple answer or remedy for this issue, but you are doing the right thing to pray, and ask for God's direction. Just don't forget to take the time while you're praying to listen for His direction. I know that this is the thing I most often forget about praying for an answer to some difficult question or for direction in my life at a difficult time ... I pray my heart out, but often forget that to receive an answer I must listen. Another thing that you mention is that you don't have a home church right now .... I know that this is the obvious answer or advice .... But get one ... And do this as soon as you can because you need to be able to receive counsel from a pastor, and/or be able to join a women's prayer/Bible study group. My small group (it was coed for married couples that Ray and I attended) was often my source of prayer, stability, and a place to seek counsel and advice from people who were older and wiser, or whoo had lived a similar experience.

Since being separated (now almost a month, with another 6 weeks to go), my husband is having great difficulty with his place in the world. He has come to the point of telling me that he is not sure that he loves me in the married way. He has come to fell that we are not each other's soul mate and that God is telling him that we should separate as there are other plans for us.
This all comes a great shock to me and quite a hurt. I know that first and foremost, I must ask God for peace, comfort and direction. And that I have been doing. I have been praying constantly because I do not feel that this is the end.
You actually seem to sum up the main issue in the statement that you make about your husband not being sure about his place in the world at this time in his life. Have you expressed your concern over what he's thinking and feeling to him in these words? It's also an obvious statement or advisement to tell you that you should encourage him to seek a pastor's direction, but as the women here before me have said ... It is so important for him to do this before he makes any decision that he won't be able to change. When Ray and I had been married for about 17 yrs. I also heard the statement that he wasn't sure if I was the ONE .... His soul mate. His phrasing was, "I know that I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm really IN love with you." Shock was also my first reaction, although, there was a whole long story that led up to this moment, and it isn't very pretty, and probably too long ... But if you want to hear all of it just let me know ... I'm more than willing to share ... My point being that my shock might have been a little less because I knew things were in turmoil. The first 2 questions I had for him were 1)Define what YOU mean by 'soul mate' 2)What exactly, in your mind, defines the difference between loving me and being IN love with me. It gave him pause, and after some crying and praying, we were both better able to confront what was happening, but not before some more turmoil. We did, eventually, get through this rough time in our relationship with talking and counselling, and we were married almost 28 yrs when God called Ray Home (he was 49). You obviously can't just tell him that what he thinks is the voice and direction of God is just hogwash, or the voice of satan because he will rebel ... he will accuse you of not possibly being able to KNOW for a fact that the voice of God is not actually telling him this ... I don't need to repeat the verses that Dinah used because they are good solid verses to show him, and great advice! No one here can tell you or has any way of knowing whether this is, or could be the end of your marriage ... But ... The 2 of you need to seek Christian marriage counselling together. I wish I could say ... "Hey Karen, don't worry .... I'm sure God will fix everything just the way you want it done!" .... Only by truely seeking God's direction in prayer, and counselling from a Christian source will you be able to find the answer. The most important piece of advice that I could tell you is that you and your husband MUST seek the answers, and work through this time together! You are a married couple, and making a decision as though you were single just isn't a good way to come to a conclusion of any kind!

(You'll have to go to the next post to read my conclusion ... I guess it really is long!)

KIM

Hey Karen ... Kim again ... It wouldn't let me finish on my original post because it was too many characters. Part of that is because of the quotes I used from your post, but I think addressing the points in context was important.

There is no way to just suggest to him that he should seek counselling and direction from a source with more experience, and/or wisdom than his own, other than just to tell him that this is what you think would be the best step for him to begin. One thing I will say ... You may have to be careful about what words you use ... But do not back off from telling him exactly what you think and feel. This is your marriage we're talking about, and no amount of pussy-footing around will save it from destruction! You can be loving and caring toward him and his thoughts and feelings without allowing yours to be lost in the shock of his revelation.

I'm not going to apologize for the length of my response because I think that addressing an issue as serious as this, when a person asks for help and advice, can only be done by addressing key questions or points individually and completely. I will only say that I pray and hope that anything I've said will help.

Kim

My response to you is going seem very "simple minded" as I'm in a difficult place right now and a little drained. I apologize in advance for that. I'm in the middle of dealing with my marital separation as well. My husband is also active duty military.

I implore you to go to the chaplain. I believe in the Navy, the person your husband answers to is called his chief? I would go to him as well. If he's a good guy, he'll counsel and advise your husband as to how to handle this w/out putting either of you in an emotionally disruptive situation. It's their job to do that, and they generally do pretty well with it, barring having a difficult personality. But the military teaches and requires them to listen and be sympathetic.

All of this stated, I've learned to count my situation as an incredible blessing. Through this separation, I've re-developed my relationship with Christ and am more than grateful for that.

My sister, who is also a Christian, gave me some very wise advice. She told me to set a place at the table every night for dinner for my husband. I currently have no idea where he is and he refuses to speak to or contact me. She told me to live my faith, and speak life over our family as taught in Proverbs 18:21, through my actions as well as my words.

Every day I send my husband a brief text message, telling him that dinner is ready if he's hungry, and asking if he needs anything. My husband has yet to respond to me in almost two months. But this simple action has renewed my understanding of agape'.

Obviously you live separately from your husband so doing something like this is impractical. But it's the act of gently knocking at the door, and giving him the opportunity to respond to your unconditional love that has more of an impact than we realize as we're doing it.

I've learned how powerful those gestures are in terms of behaving as if God's promises are real, and actively applying Christ's love. Doing these things has helped to transform me into a true believer in Christ, in that even if my husband chooses to continue w/our divorce, God's word does not return void. His promises are a sure thing, and gently giving those promises to your husband through simple, direct, but non-confrontational methods has a way of getting through to the heart of the man you married.

Brokenglass

that is very good advice your sister gave you - you are blessed in her.

it is also wonderful to see how you are growing in the Lord .... the best thing I found out was, that God can take any tragedy and bring good out of it .... it may not be the "good" we think we want at the time - but God will bring good out of it, though we may not be able to see it till later.

In the mean time, God promises to hold you and keep you and love you as you pass through this dark place .... I love Psalm 23, it speaks a deep truth we need to cling.to.

in Christ

Dinah

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