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I'm very convoluted. Throughout God's word He talks about the evils of divorce and how He 'hates' it.
Our daughter left her husband for the second time after her second serious experience with physical abuse. After the first episode she came home with bruises and Husband & I settled in to the adjustment. But she wanted it to work; he had been her high school sweetheart. She got pregnant on one of those "working on the marriage" sessions and I don't believe I have ever been so angry. She went back but on Aug 1, she called again. Her Dad and brother went over, packed up most of her things and brought she and her littlest one back. Fortunately, her older ones were here with their Dad. She has filed for divorce but he is wanting her to come back. He misses his baby and wife, he says. He is an alcoholic, as is his father who just a few months ago moved back with them. She never knew when he or his father were going to blow up and fights would begin. In clear conscience, I was about to tell the older ones Dad that I did not consider that environment safe or healthy. Thankfully, she made the choice before I had to.

Is divorce ok...? Or should she still be working on the marriage? He is not a Christian though he has said he's interested in spiritual things. It's as though he has a split personality. I can honestly say that I pity him now; he's a product of his own childhood home-life. Surely God would not have wanted her to stay and subject all her children (and herself) to such fear and mixed signals.

Since she has come back, I have learned that this is a very common problem....even among the Christian Church. I am appalled. She grew up in a home where there was never any yelling, let alone verbal or physical abuse. Why do women "submit" to this? Do you believe that God wants them to stay, submit, by their "Godly behavior" win them to Christ, subject their children to lifestyles of rage and anger? I just can't believe it; but I still struggle with the decision to "divorce". I want some peace about this....is there any? I've never seen this addressed in Scripture other than to make assumptions about Nabal & Abigail.

I believe the Lord would want us to take a stand against behavior that is not godly in any way. Your daughter needs to remove herself and her children from any situation in which their physical or mental health may be in danger. It would be up to her husband to abide by the boundaries God has placed on godly behavior and if he is unwilling then I would say that it is clear in the word of God that he has chosen to leave as an unbeliever and your daughter is free. I will be praying for you and for her and for the strength to face this situation. God bless you, Lorrie

These are very difficult questions on many levels including moral, spiritual, and physical. It is easy for others to give pat and simplistic answers to complex questions when they are standing at a distance from an abusive situation. It is a good idea to make sure that all those involved in a situation is safe from further abuse especially children. It is also a good idea for any and/or people involved in abusive situations to get professional counseling beyond their local congregation in order to help clarify what each individual wants from their life...others cannot coop the decisions made by those individuals in the marriage itself. Consulting with a local pastor maybe the first step to begin the process of rational decision making including the engagement of well trained faith-based counseling that does not dictate what the client should do. In the end it is those in the marriage that will make the final decision about what is best for him or her without regard to what everyone esle thinks.

After I posted, I was hoping or thinking about what would Rene say. I am one who thinks your answers are well- balanced and respect your opinion and I am glad that you add your thoughts to this forum. Thanks , Lorrie

Jatfla

if your daughter's husband is not a believer, then she is free. But even if he were, this would not change the fact that he has broken the marriage bond by abuse just as surely as if he had committed adultery, and so also she is free.

It is a grievous sin when pastors and others in authority in the church preach and teach that a woman must submit to her husband no matter what .... it sounds just like the preaching which advocated God's order in the slave trade.

Apart from anything else, while ever your daughter lives with this man, she is confirming him in his sin. In a case like this, the truly loving thing is allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions, which may drive him to get the help he needs, and perhaps may lead to healing - both physical and spiritual.

Your daughter has done everything in her power to make the marriage work, but it has not worked. She has tried, but now she must think first about the safety and well-being of the children for whom she is responsible, and also for her own safety.

Be at peace my sister.

in Christ

Dinah

Thank you dcljoy...you who know the most about the situation. Your words were encouraging and comforting. It's interesting that those who can stand outside a situation (and that's sometimes good!) are not in the midst of the crisis or dealing with picking up the pieces of broken lives, broken vows, and broken minds.
How I wish, for our daughter's sake, that he could have/would have resisted the alcohol, his father's problems, and sought help for the emotional/mental issues.

Within our culture we scorn listening to the counsel of parents in choosing a mate. Sometimes they don't even care!!! What grief she has brought on herself, her babies, her family for not listening to the advice of those who knew her best and loved her the most. Despite it all, she is an awesome daughter!

And thank you all for your input. I does help me. I just want to have the mindset that God would want me to have. This is too important and the ramifications are so serious and long-term to be minimized or ignored. No one wants to make matters worse by continuing to be insensitive to God's will.

Thank you very much for your kind words.....

Jatfla;

I was married to a man who beat me - badly. My son (4 to 5 years old at that time), would run to me and cover me with his body. I tried to protect him and he too was beaten, kicked and thrown.

Jesus came to set women free!! He didn't come to put your daughter into the bondage of abuse. With the abuse and the adulterous affairs, I still attempted to hang on; But I was hurt more.

One day I went to my church and an elder spoke to me. He explained to me that the Lord wanted me to be free as well. If I had stayed in that environment, I could have been killed...but one thing is for sure, I died emotionally. I died spiritually. I died to purpose. Everything around me was death.

That is until I took the advice of my elder - I left. I left the pain and abuse. I became free.

Today... I have been restored a life that I couldn't believe I would ever be able to live; freedom to be me. Freedom to follow Christ and love Him - who counts!

Blessings,

Janice

The Scriptures do say that women should submit to their husbands but everyone seems to forget the next part - that the man should honor the wife as Christ did the church.

Divorce is "wrong" but even Jesus gave an out for a bad marriage - when there had been adultery. By committing adultery the spouse threw the vows out the window. I would say that when a man beats his wife that he by his actions (same as adultery) is ending the marriage. No where does it say that any person is called to be a doormat and a punching bag. Forgiveness and healing are required of us but we are also to seek protection in Christ.

If she truly loves him and wants it to work, it might be safer to divorce and heal and if he heals also then who knows what their future holds as a family. It has been known to happen.

Good luck and our prayers are with you all.

although my husband didn't beat me physically we had a rough go of it when I became a stay at home mom - eventually we got divorced and low and behold we got remarried so it CAN happen!!! We have been together for about 16 years now